Where the answer lies......

They say that when you are super-charged with emotions, that’s when you can write effectively.  Well, I guess now is the best time to update on my blog!  A lot of things have happened over the past few months… it was like a beautiful dream that turned into a horrible nightmare…which unfortunately, ended as a reality for me.  I shall not elaborate on what it was, but suffice to say, I was deeply affected by it… what the hell, I cried for 10 whole days!!!  Okay, now you can laugh!

My friends have asked me, why…why are you so affected by it?  You are experienced and you can handle such things, why are you so beaten?  I told them, I’m not a machine, I can’t just flip a switch and restart and all will be well.  Really?  What are you then?  More importantly, how am I now?

Over the years, I have had many bad experiences.  People who were nasty to the core and making sure they made my life difficult.  Or people who lied to me, played me like a doll and threw me aside when they have found a better toy.  I have gone through all that, but why am I still so affected by it?

I think the answer lies in my values.   When you are being bombarded by lots of problems and you are suffering, the most normal reaction would be to seek revenge.  While you lick your wounds, you scheme and plan on how you can get back at those who hurt you.  And when you have recovered, you put your plan into action.  You want your aggressors to feel as much pain as you did…you want blood!  That would be the most logical and quickest but not necessarily the best way to complete your recovery process.  We can see a lot of that in the drama series….hehehe!

But, I am Buddhist.  Even though, the years of hardship has taught me many lessons and the temptation to seek revenge is overwhelming, I have tried very hard to enlighten myself with Buddhist logic.  I have struggled, cried over wrongdoings of others and felt abandoned by the Gods.  I have asked for guidance and while most times, I do get answers….. I find it hard to follow. My heart still fills with anger and the feeling of injustice done to me almost always swallow me up.   I give the excuse that, `I’m only mortal’.

 Somehow, today…. The light came shining through.  I finally saw why.  Yes, it has been a daily struggle for me for years and the injustice seems insurmountable. But, over the years, my heart remains pure.  My feelings towards others remain sincere.  My intentions remain good.  I am still genuinely happy for other people. My compassion seems to grow.  My conscience is clear.  Like the lotus in the muddy and dirty waters, it blooms out, pure and beautiful.  May I never lose sight of this each time I am challenged.  Amitabha!!!

Posting my life away.....

Hmm.... it's late in the night..2.37am and I'm still awake! No, I'm not having insomnia like I used to... now, I just collaspe into my bed and snooze off!  Yeah, it feels great to just `turn-off' whenever you want.  Well, not everything in life is that easy to turn off or turn on. Sometimes, you want to turn something off and that ^F*^u*&%@%$c%$kx thing just won't turn off!  Like some people in Facebook.  They just won't stop complaining!  And there are those who keep posting delicious looking food... in the middle of the night!  Arrggghh !!!  Hey... now I'm the one who's complaining!  Hehehe!  Okay, gotta stop complaining.

Now, talking about FB, I have to admit that I am somewhat addicted to it these days.  There are so many postings... some are interesting, some are good for laughs, some are educational and informative.... of course,then  there are those which make you wanna throw up yesterday's breakfast!  All in all, it's great!  Hehe!

There's so much you can learn from the postings... about Sex, Money (plenty or lack of), Love (not the same as sex?), Designer stuff (Oh... I'm all packed for my holiday.... there you go... all LV stuff displayed proudly), Gossips, Politics (mostly for laughs... there's plenty in Malaysia these days, with the election just around the corner), pets, music videos, parties, gatherings, muscles, boobies.... you name it, they have posted it!  The face of socialising (pun not intended) has really changed.  Gone are the days when we had to wait for days, weeks or even months, to know that some superstar is getting a divorce or someone got humiliated in public.  Three to four seconds after anything has happened, it spreads like wild fire on the internet!!!  Isn't it cool ?

Cool it is... but we have also become somewhat self-indulgent.  I found myself escaping the crowd to check on FB postings at my sister's house during her open house.  I felt guilty at first, but when I looked up... my nieces and nephews were doing the same thing.  Hey, this has got to stop!  There's a time and place for everything... Oooh... great thought for posting!  There you go !!!!

Now, I don't even bother to go clubbing.  Other than the fact I don't drink... I prefer to sit comfortably in my home, sipping green tea or orange juice and read the postings on FB.  As a matter of fact, I did exactly just that on the 2nd day of Chinese New Year... oh gosh!  What's happening to me?  This really has to stop, I said to myself... and posted it!  Shhhiiiitttt !!!!

Okay, okay... no harm done, I guess.  But I do think that I need to go out and meet some real people.... I really do.  And I will make it a point to do it..... yes I will.  And you can bet your ass I m posting this on FB too !!!  Hahahahahah!  Goodnite and have a great day !!!

The year that was...

New year is a few days away…..what are your resolutions? Come to think of it, do people still make resolutions these days? Call me old-fashioned, but I still do.  Granted… some never got started, some were abandoned halfway, some are still work-in-progress…..all in all, it was a good year! Hahahah!  Who am I kidding?  Most of time, myself, really.   But then, I’ve had worse… so, overall,  this is an improvement.

Do you ever hope for something to happen, year after year, and it never came?  I guess, we all do.  Our little secret fantasies,  most likely quite impossible to achieve and even silly, sometimes.  Yet, we secretly  wished  that someday, by some miracle…. it happens!  And as the years go by, we begin to lose hope or even turn bitter thinking about it. 

It happened to me.  Not the miracle part, but the bitter part.  And since it’s my secret fantasy, I won’t tell you either… hehehe!   What is the point of fantasizing on something you know will never happen?  Why bother getting  yourself disappointed year after year?  But I am an Aquarian, a born dreamer.  I live on dreams…Get down to earth, boy!  It ain’t gonna happen!!!

In the hurricane of my sometimes unstable mind, where my dreams got uprooted, where lightning struck down my hopes, thunder exploded in the face of my yearnings and the tsunami of rage tore through my mind…. Okay, okay, we've got the point….now, let’s move on.  Alright, urmmm…. Now where were we?  Oh yes, hurricane.  I realized one thing….there’s always a rainbow after the storm!  Hahahah!  Sorry, can’t help it! 

Hey, I meant it.. it was a rainbow..somewhat odd-coloured though, nevertheless, it looked like a rainbow!  Whateverrrr...back to my realization.  Even though our secret fantasies might not come true, even though it’s way too far-fetched… it’s okay.  It’s our safe house,  a place where we can hide… our form of escapism.  It’s a place where everything is perfect… at least to our perception of perfection.  A place where we can go into and  feel good about ourselves, isn’t it great?  This reminds me of the song, Welcome to my World by Jim Reeves.  It’s a beautiful song… the link is below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXbHOnHAG-g

So friends, it doesn’t matter whether you get that promotion or that pretty girl or that handsome guy or that Porsche or that mansion…..as long as you keep secret fantasy alive….you can experience perfection anytime!  Happy New Year !!!

Who is `ME'???

Have you ever had one of those moments where all the pieces of puzzles just fall into place and suddenly everything seems so clear? You know, those rare realisation moments where you suddenly see the light? No, I’m not dead yet… not that kind of `light’! Hehe!

It’s the kind that makes you laugh at your foolishness and make you feel really good. The kind that happens.. urmm….like once in 10-20 years? The last time I’ve had that kind of moment was when I realised Boy George was really a boy ! Or, was it when I went to my first `clubbing’ session? Oh well, never mind! I  had one of those moments a few days ago.

 It was late at night after gym and I was watering my plants while listening to some `power songs’, leftovers from my quick gym session. I find it really energising to listen to those songs while carrying heavy weights, they seem to make me more energetic. Anyway, while Lady Gaga was blasting away about being made perfect, it came to me! Gosh!!! All those years of self-loathing and she (Lady Gaga) turned everything around in just one song!

As a kid, I was made to think that I was not good enough. My family love me unconditionally but I have 6 sisters and a brother. So you can imagine the kind of influence my sisters had on me. Yes, I was a softie. My neighbours and relatives spared no expense at teasing me, saying cruel things and making a mockery out of me. In fact, some of them are still at it, till today! To a certain extent, I pity my family, who had had to put up with the shame of having such a weirdo as part of the family. They have never said anything until today but I have to bear the burden of guilt.

School was worse. Kids can be really mean. Even my best friends couldn’t help themselves. I lived in fear. Not fear for my safety but fear for when the next acidic remark was coming my way. You'd think that you'd get immuned to such bullying when you had had to face it everyday, but no, it never got easier.

 As I got older, the bullying lessened. Lessened but not gone. To prevent any further harassment, I had to `blend’ into society. Behave like a `normal’ person. I felt sad for myself. Sad because society has no place for a misfit like me. I lost my self… and my self-worth. I felt like I was not worthy of a place in society. I wanted to dig a hole and just die in it. Leave me alone! And go on your happy ways of being `one-of-crowd’!  Just leave me alone!

Some relatives even went to the extend of asking me, `Why can’t you be like everyone else? Go find a girlfriend, get married and have children like everyone else! What’s wrong with you?’ Yes, these are the very same people who have not given up after all these years of harassing me. At least until they are dead! Ooops, evil me! Hehehe!

Then Lady Gaga changed everything! All those years of self-loathing….. why can’t I be like this or like that? Why am I born like this, why am I born like that….I've tried and tried to analyse, find excuses, find justification, schemed escape plans for personal attacks…..I told myself, maybe I’ve done a lot of bad things in my previous life and I’m being punished in this lifetime by being such a weirdo, by being short and ugly, by being poor, by having bad luck, etc. But, I never gave up. I thought, okay, in spite of all these punishments, I will have to make the extra effort to counteract all these `disadvantages’. And thus, began a lifetime of uphill battles.

Then suddenly, Lady Gaga said, It’s okay, God makes no mistakes. Be who you are cos you are born this way??? OMG !!! I was a bit confused at first but thrilled nevertheless. All these years … all those mean people who made every effort to put me down…were WRONG??? Wow! It’s okay to be ME !!! Wow! Wow! Wow! But..... who is ME???

Okay, okay… calm down! Don’t get overly excited! Now, let’s be very analytical and factual about the whole situation. Let’s see. All those years of being paranoid did pay off, in a way. I have been much much more hardworking than most of my peers in making myself `maintained’ and to provide for myself… now that’s a plus. And all those `escape rebuttals’ could still come in handy but this time, it’s gonna be ‘straight-in-the-face get the F--- outta my sight’ kind.

Then there’s the new identity I need to address. Woah, this is exciting…now, I shall embark on a journey, to rediscover myself!!! And then, I can tell the world … This is who I am, deal with it !!!

What counts?

It's been months since my last entry.... gosh! I have been thinking about what to write. So many things to write about and yet so few that are worth writing about. Lately I have been riding on an emotional roller-coster. One day I would be happy and ready to take on the world. And the very next day, I would fall into a deep depression that lasted for days.. usually about 2-3 days. Then I would be back again. So, on the average (yes, I have a thing for statistics).. I would have been happy for 2 days in a week and depressed for 6 days. Which means, on the average, I am only happy 25% of the time.

I tried to analyse myself. Why? Usually it would be something small that triggered me off. Then it would snowball into something bigger. And while I was at it, might as well dig out all the unhappiness of this lifetime... and there you have it. Titanic-sized ship of frustration sinking into the depths of depression.

Maybe that's why the movie was so successful.... somehow people could relate to all the hopes and dreams of so many people plunging into the deep sea....just like me, drowning under the weight of my own misery.

Time and again, I forget the lessons I've learnt from my meditation. Letting go. What has happened has already happened, so, let it go and stop whining about it! Stop burdening yourself with all those bad memories and past unhappiness. Throw the baggage away... I tried. But somehow, these things have a way of creeping back onto you when you are down. And to make things worse, they're like rats, breeding at high speed... new bad things keep happening. Then you tell yourself, Oh shit... who am I fooling? Does this make any sense to you guys?

Also, perhaps, I don't seem to get what I want. Then I told myself. I'd rather be happy with what I have than to be sad over what I can't get. Bullshit! Wake-up bro! Reminds me of the song, Desperado. `And it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you always want the things, that you can't have..Desperado why don't you come to your senses?'

I know I know.. some people will think... look at the beggar, look at the man with no legs... etc.... and feel lucky. Oh no, I don't want to do that. Not at the expense of the less fortunate anyway. I think... anyone in any situation, would be unhappy about something. Rich people worry about their business, status or kids. Poor people worry about money. Average people like me worry about everything else!

Thus, proving the theory about nothingness. When you have absolutely nothing at all, you have nothing to worry about, nothing to be sad over, nothing to lose and nothing to be afraid of. But most of us won't have the courage to do that... I mean, like, throw everything away to experience eternal bliss? That's a really really huge step...that's epic for me. That's why I have absolute respect and admiration for the Buddhist monks.

Last night, I watched a locally-made ghost movie with Tim.  It was a trying effort.  They wanted to tell a few stories at the same time and the movie became really choppy.  We had to keep track of it... it was mind-boggling!  Oh.. this is the uncle story.. oh, this is the stupid comedy part... oh, this is the screaming girl.  Anyway... to continue with my story, about letting go.  In that movie, they told two stories about old people losing their very handsome sons...hehe!  Yes, of course they had to be handsome, otherwise, it would hard to sympathise with the parents...hehe!

Seriously, it would have been harder for the parents, handsome or not.  I guess, sometimes, some things, are very hard to let go.  People whom we have loved for such a long time.  But how do we deal with it?  I guess it takes time for the wounds to heal but the pain and the longing remain.  That's the price we pay for loving someone dearly.  The only consolation we have is that, for as long as we shall live, they live in our hearts too!  And that's all the counts.......

Do you know where you're going to ?

Tim asked the other day, `Anything new on your blog?’ I answered, `Nothing.’ He asked, `Why?’ I told him, `I have nothing to write about’ `Writer’s block?’`No, not even that… nothing’s happening in my life worth writing about’ `Oh…..’

Then I got to thinking. So, it’s my routine…. Wake-up, breakfast & vitamins(lots), work, lunch, work, stress (lots), then gym, then eat, then TV, internet and finally, sleep. The next day, it’s the same thing all over again. I am getting to be a very boring person. The occasional days which Tim dropped by were the `exciting’ days….eating out and complaining about my life. Or cooking something nice and still complaining about my life. Ooooh.. did I mention complaining about my life, twice? Yeah, I did.

I remember the joke…. `Life sucks and the partner doesn’t!’ Heheheh! I am leading a very mundane life, almost like a retired person. This is soooo not me. I never liked routines, chores and schedules. I enjoyed the unpredictability in life and the excitement of spontaneity. Just spur of the moment, pick up and go. An occasional impulse shopping spree or pack and go holiday. Routine? Get outta here! But I guess I learnt the hard way, that there is some truth in the saying about `rolling stones will not gather any moss’. Thus, the justification for my routine boring life these days.

Then I pondered upon the ever big question, what is life to you? What do want to get out of it? Hmm… this reminds me of the lyrics of a Diana Ross song, `Do you know, where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you ? Where are you going to? Do you know? Do you get what you’re hoping for? When you look behind you there’s no open door? What are you hoping for? Do you know?’

And then it goes on to say… `We’ve let so many dreams just slip through our hands. Why must we wait so long, before we see, how sad the answers to those questions can be?’ Story of my life. I guess I just feel so beaten and so defeated for being ambitious. All of us are, to a certain extent.

When we were young, we felt like the world was our playground , all for us to conquer. Then came the `bad guys’, fate, many many strokes of bad luck… each lesson more bitter than the one before.. each beating more vicious……until today. I feel like a wild horse, whipped into compliance, broken into and tamed … and resigned to a humble existence that would not threaten anyone. I suppose I would eventually fade into oblivion and no one would even remember I existed….what a bleak future I am facing.

Some say, to let it go. It’s bad karma to feel vengeful. Accept your fate and move on. Treat it as a lesson. A lesson? To be what? To be a pushover? To be a timid harmless guy with no ambitions? To kowtow and worship all those nasty people like Gods, for fear of their wrath?

I recently realized, that it’s not anger nor hatred. It’s the surges of energy within my very soul that refuses to be tied down and repressed. I don’t want to be what other people think I should be and I can’t allow myself to be forcibly moulded according to the whims and fancies of the rich and powerful people. People who have used extreme and evil methods, I assure you. I want to be what I want to be.

They won and I fell. And I was wounded….in more ways than one. Never in my wildest dreams would I have anticipated what I had had to face. Well, I am licking my wounds now. Soon, I will not be singing a song of defeat. I will pick myself up again, this time, wiser and stronger. Maybe it is a lesson afterall. But it’s not a lesson to be a pushover. It’s a lesson to be extremely well-prepared. So I lost my fight. No big deal. For those obnoxious people, who gave me hell, make sure you are prepared for what you are about to face!

And I thank all my friends who stood by me, thick and thin. Really love you guys! So, here’s another Diana Ross song that I am singing now…..

Don’t lose your way, with each passing day,
You’ve come so far, don’t throw it away….
Live believing, dreams are for weaving..
Wonders are waiting to start…
Live your story, faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth, in your heart

If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die…….

….. seek out a star, and hold on to the end.

So, guys, don’t ever, ever let anyone tell you or beat you into giving up your dreams. Hold on to it, till the end!

When the sun sets on you.....

Yesterday, my friend, Tim and I went out for lunch. While driving in my neighborhood, we saw a house up for sale. Tim told me that he was looking for a house and we decided to call the number. The owner wanted to sell it for RM400,000.00. Wow ! Didn’t know the houses in my area could command such a high price! Anyway, after some haggling, he told us that the price was negotiable. I asked Tim, `Why do you need another house? You already have one that’s worth close to a million ringgit. ‘ He told me that it was his father’s house, shared by his siblings. He wanted something for himself, for old age.

I didn’t like the direction which our conversation was going… the old age direction. But we joked about having friends live together, all old and senile and at least, having some company. And we left it at that. But, that thought kept gnawing at the back of my mind. Something I don’t want to think about .. although the reality is, it’s something I have to face up to, one day, and all too soon. Fine, bring it on!

Ok, let’s say, we all have children. The ideal picture would be, having our children, children-in-laws, grandchildren…all happy and doing everything together! So many happy faces! Wow, that would be great! Sadly, that only happens in HK soap-operas and only at the series finale. Now, reality check. How many of us want to live with our parents these days, married or not ? Some still do… free accommodation, free meals, free baby-sitter. Of course, after a while, usually the wife will insist on moving out after she realizes that her mother-in-law still dotes on her son. In the end, it’s an empty nest, no matter how many children you have.

Just last week, an old man who just got checked out of a hospital, travelled 300 miles to meet his son. Haiz…the things we do for our children……. A few hours after the meeting the father, the son drove him to a place of worship and just abandoned him there. OMG !

Okay, okay… this article is not about being filial, we’ll deal with that another time. Sometimes, I look at some old people. Feeble, weak .. nevertheless, always a kind smile. They used to be `someone’. He used to be a breadwinner, she used to mrs. multi-tasker in the house or a super sales agent or high ranking officer or nurse.

Time can be cruel sometimes… fading out all our accomplishments. Now we are just old, senile and weak…no matter what we were before that.

How do you deal with that? How do we grow old with dignity? A lot of our younger generation do not know how to respect people who are older than them. They think too highly of themselves and they think that being rebellious and sarcastic is equivalent to being smart and quick witted. I encountered one such rascal last year. I was chatting in a common chatroom and I saw this guy scolding another guy. `You are old and useless, you shouldn’t be chatting here. You should just get ready to die gracefully. Old! Old! Old! Bloody old goose! Gosh… I wouldn’t want to be that old!’ The other guy just kept quiet, defeated by something he couldn’t help, old age.

When I see stupidity of such epic proportions, my evil twin breaks out in fury. Fighting my rage , I calmly asked the boy, `So, how old is old ?’ He said, `Anyone above 35yo is old.’ I continued, `And you don’t want to grow old?’ He answered, `Of course, I m still young.’ Then I answered him, much to the surprise and amusement of the whole chatroom, `Yes, it’s quite obvious that you are still very very young, especially in the way you think. But let’s make your wish come true. Let us all pray, day and night, all year round…to all the Gods of all of the religions, that you may never grow older than 35. Not a day, a minute or a second older than 35 years of age.’ Then, obviously confused, he asked, `So what happens after that?’. Gotcha! Then, like triumphant wicked witch, I laughed sinisterly and proclaimed, `Hahahahaha! My dear boy, like it or not, you die!’ The whole chatroom cheered !

In retrospect, I realized, I was this vicious because, I too am older than 35 years. I guess he must have pressed all the right buttons to trigger me off like that. You don’t have to tell me I am old, I know I am old, so mind your own business and back off! I didn’t see that one coming though. Some people may view my reaction to it as being immature, but I think otherwise. Being matured doesn’t mean you have to sit around and allow others to punch and kick you till you are almost dead before you react, nature is already doing a great job at the dying part. And I have done my fair share of walking away. Some people just can’t be educated, when you tread on dangerous grounds, be prepared for the worse. I mean, as it is, we have to deal with failing health, slowing metabolism, wrinkles, falling teeth, aching joints, cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc, etc… and still have to put up with insolent foul-mouthed guys like this? No way!

I used to always feel like the victim…. Perpetually in the victim mode, but no more. Now, I am the predator, the aggressor. Come old age or smartass idiots, I will fight them off with no mercy. Or maybe I will learn to be more subtle, less ruthless and kinder… hehehe! May we all have the strength, health and wisdom to live through our sunset days…….with happiness, serenity and meditative composure. Here’s something which I learnt from my meditation :


All our lives, we have strived for.....
Wealth & Ownership
Beauty & Pleasures
Fame & Power
And yet, in the end, what we truly own… is our karma.