Where the answer lies......

They say that when you are super-charged with emotions, that’s when you can write effectively.  Well, I guess now is the best time to update on my blog!  A lot of things have happened over the past few months… it was like a beautiful dream that turned into a horrible nightmare…which unfortunately, ended as a reality for me.  I shall not elaborate on what it was, but suffice to say, I was deeply affected by it… what the hell, I cried for 10 whole days!!!  Okay, now you can laugh!

My friends have asked me, why…why are you so affected by it?  You are experienced and you can handle such things, why are you so beaten?  I told them, I’m not a machine, I can’t just flip a switch and restart and all will be well.  Really?  What are you then?  More importantly, how am I now?

Over the years, I have had many bad experiences.  People who were nasty to the core and making sure they made my life difficult.  Or people who lied to me, played me like a doll and threw me aside when they have found a better toy.  I have gone through all that, but why am I still so affected by it?

I think the answer lies in my values.   When you are being bombarded by lots of problems and you are suffering, the most normal reaction would be to seek revenge.  While you lick your wounds, you scheme and plan on how you can get back at those who hurt you.  And when you have recovered, you put your plan into action.  You want your aggressors to feel as much pain as you did…you want blood!  That would be the most logical and quickest but not necessarily the best way to complete your recovery process.  We can see a lot of that in the drama series….hehehe!

But, I am Buddhist.  Even though, the years of hardship has taught me many lessons and the temptation to seek revenge is overwhelming, I have tried very hard to enlighten myself with Buddhist logic.  I have struggled, cried over wrongdoings of others and felt abandoned by the Gods.  I have asked for guidance and while most times, I do get answers….. I find it hard to follow. My heart still fills with anger and the feeling of injustice done to me almost always swallow me up.   I give the excuse that, `I’m only mortal’.

 Somehow, today…. The light came shining through.  I finally saw why.  Yes, it has been a daily struggle for me for years and the injustice seems insurmountable. But, over the years, my heart remains pure.  My feelings towards others remain sincere.  My intentions remain good.  I am still genuinely happy for other people. My compassion seems to grow.  My conscience is clear.  Like the lotus in the muddy and dirty waters, it blooms out, pure and beautiful.  May I never lose sight of this each time I am challenged.  Amitabha!!!

What Really Drives You?

As I was sitting alone just now... thinking... gosh, another weekend gone...another boring weekend. I asked myself, `Why are you feeling so empty?' Maybe because I didn't get to meet anyone I like ? But, hello, there's more to life than trying week after week to meet your soulmate.

Oh really ? There's more ? Then it dawned on me that I have been so obssessed by it that I have forgotten about the rest of the world and all that has been happening in my life.... That's my problem....I am always too focussed on something and tend to ignore everything else... sometimes it's good, cos the best of ideas and the greatest of discoveries were spawned from such obssessions.

And usually when I can't get what I want, I will do whatever I can to get it. I have allowed this obssession to possess over me. Looking at the bigger picture, a lot of us do that. The priorities in our lives change as we grow older. As kids, play time, school holidays and celebrations are the main driving forces. Then in our teengage years, girlfriends and boyfriends and... for the nerds, A's. Then the celebrities.... Oh those were the days, when celebrities were like Gods.

When we start working, the ladder climb in the competitive corporate world begins. Then, the pursuit of cars, position, money and property. Then romantic encounters. Then marriage. Then another 20 to 30 years' worth of worrying about the kids. Then the health concerns and finally, death brings the ultimate peace of mind.

But I guess I got stucked at the romantic encounter part and never got any farther! Hahahah! Sadly, I can't escape the last 2 parts either. You may ask, What are you trying to say here ???

Okay.. back to my topic (hehehe!) What drives you? Your career ? Your love pursuits? Money? Property? Sex? Some will say.. `Everything!' It may be true to a certain extent but if you look at it carefully, what really really drives you ?

Yes, all of us are pursuing multiple goals all at the same time, but look deeper inside, what really really drives you? For some people, it's money. Everything they do, it all traces back to getting more money. Marry a rich girl, work harder, invest in properties.... the list goes on as long as they get more money.

And for some, it's about their attractiveness. Trust me, it's a powerful driving force, a multi-billion dollar business. Some people work hard to get more money so that they can buy nice shoes and designer clothes, do facials and workout at the gyms, take vitamins, supplements and so on and so forth.

For another group of people, it's about pride. More titles, more power, more money, bigger houses, fancy cars.... doesn't matter if they look shitty, as long as they get to brag about whatever they have.

Now I look at myself, and say, `OMG !!! You are so pathetic!' You don't even have a valid driving force ! You just let your life drift to wherever it takes you! And half the time you are drunk in your own fantasies of romance.... of meeting your soulmate and living happily ever after. That's all you've got to show? After all these years ???

Wow... what a wake-up call ! To wake up and realise that you are such a loser in life..... Desperate to make myself feel better, I rummaged through whatever I have achieved in my life, put them together and alas! It's not a mountain, not even a hill of achievements... just a mere heap of lost causes, strangled by lots of excuses.

I felt confused and vulnerable. The realisation that I have not done justice to myself... all the time, telling myself that, this is as good as it gets.... and even started to believe it. What am I going to do ???

Like a man drowning at sea, my mind scrambled to find something safe to hang on to. But it seemed like there's nothing substantial... all seemed so petty... every single goal I've had for myself sank under the weight of my desperate need for a trophy in my life. Nope, no trophies for me.

Hmmmm... is it too late to start over? Better late than never, I consoled myself. Now, let me see.... what should I choose to drive me? Money? Power? Looks? (Ooops! Too late for that! Ain't gonna happen!) Soulmate? (Again? You have not learnt your lesson? Go jump from the top of the twin towers if you choose that one again! Yes, any of the towers, they are of the same height!)

Maybe I need a bit more time to see what really really could drive me and make me happy. That's it !!! Happiness !!! Happiness should be my driving force! But where do I start ? Hmm... this is going to take a lot more time than I anticipated....

Well, in the mean time, what about you guys ? What really drives you ??? Do tell me.....

Embarassing Moments.......

We go about our daily lives.... facing all the difficulties and frustrations. Sometimes, some things happen in the most peculiar moments, mostly funny but definitely embarsassing.. hehe! Here are some of those precious moments...... either through my own experience or told by my friends...

Biggest Loser

A friend of ours has always been trying to lose weight. Although we usually don't see much of a difference, he always insisted that he had lost a kilo or two. But just to humour him, we smiled politely and said, `Oh, I see....' One day, he decided to go that extra mile and appeared in his skinny jeans. We were so happy that his efforts finally paid off..... and one friend said, `Wow! Let's go celebrate!' After a hearty lunch, we walked to a supermarket.... and in front of a whole crowd, his skinny jeans burst open! Yes, buttons, zips and all! So much for his weight loss!

Nyonya Cakes

There was a group of friends who went out to a mammak stall and had teh-tarik there. One of the guys, ate a piece of nyonya cake. And while they were talking and laughing, one of the girls noticed something. She asked the guy who ate the cake, `Oh no, isn't that painful?' The guy asked, `Why ?' `Your teeth is stuck on the cake!' Apparently it was his denture.

Donation

Tim got a call that his grandma was very sick. So, he took the day off and rushed back to his hometown. Then John, his good friend called the office and the office told him that Tim was on emergency leave and his grandma was hospitalised. The next day, John was supposed to leave town and was afraid that he could not come back in time for the funeral and so, he went to Tim's house.

When John arrived at the house, it was dark and gloomy. He thought to himself, `Oh dear, the body is not in the coffin yet...' He didn't want to make a fuss and knocked at the door. Tim's sister appeared, eyes red and rubbing her nose with a tissue. So, John asked, `Where's Tim?' The sister answered, `He's making chicken curry' John said, `What? At this time he wants to make chicken curry? Anyway, I am rushing off to KL, can you just pass this donation money to Tim ? It's for the funeral expenses.'

The sister looked at his, surprised. `Huh ??? So fast ? Like this also can ar ?'

John insisted, `Aiyar... by the time you guys get everything ready, it should be just right. You can just write it for me la.... I have to leave for KL now!' `Er...er.......ok lor!' The sister still looked a bit confused but accepted the money anyway.

That night, Tim called John. `Hey, my sister told me you dropped by. What's the money for ?' `It's for the funeral expenses la.', John answered.

`And of all times, why do you still want to cook chicken curry?'
Tim answered, `Funeral expenses ? Why ?'
`It's for your grandma's funeral expenses, dumb ass!', answered John, trying to keep his cool.

`She's not dead yet la.....she's recuperating in the hospital'
`Huh ? Then why is your sister crying?'
`Oh...She wasn't crying, she's got flu'


Come back for more of such moments....... and if you have some embarassing moments you want to share, do let me know......

Laughter....

Sometimes, life gets so draggy that I just want to escape. You know, a kit-kat break... but then, it's not always so convenient. So, I resort to remembering some jokes which I have read or heard before, yep, recycling jokes does help me to release some tension.... hehe! Hey, I am easy to please!

Here are some of my favourites, sent or told by friends.

Joke 1 ~ Drunk Woman

A couple walked into a bar and sat at a table. Then the husband pointed at a drunk woman sitting at the bar counter and told his wife proudly,` You know, that's my ex. Poor gal, took to drinking after we broke off and never got over me.'

The wife looked surprised, frowned and exclaimed, `My God! That's 20 years ! Who could go on celebrating for that long???!!!'

Joke 2 ~ Bad Day

A guy was sitting at a bar counter and his friend came in. Took his drink and gulped it down. Then the guy started crying. His friend said, `Hey, cool it man, I'll get you another, something's bothering you?'

The guy said between sobs, `Nothing seems to go right today. My car broke down and I was late for work. My boss sacked me becos of that and told me to clear my table. When I took a cab home, I left my wallet in it. When I reached home, I caught my wife in bed with the gardener. So I ran out of the house and came here to kill myself. And you drank the poison!'

Joke 3 ~ Life's Tragedies

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

Joke 4 ~ Eye Contact

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Joke 5 ~ Social Security

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


Joke 6 ~ Mother-in-Law

Two guys were drinking at a bar. One of them said, `My mother-in-law is such an angel'

The other said, `You are lucky! Mine's still alive!'

Joke 7 ~ Laughter

Two guys were lost in a jungle and could not find their way out. In the darkness, they saw a light and went to the house to seek help. An old woman took them in but warned them not to disturb her beautiful daughter. Early the next morning, when the old woman went out to pick mushrooms, the men seduced her.

Halfway, the old woman appeared with a shot gun and pointed at them. `You ungrateful men! Now you have to pay with your lives!' The men pleaded to her and begged for a second chance. So, she said,` You can't escape without my help anyway. Okay, I'll give you one more chance, go to the jungle and bring back 10 fruits.'

They ran off to the jungle and the first one came back with 10 wild berries. The old woman said, `Now, shaft these wild berries up your arse. If you make any noise, I'll shoot you.' Paled with fear, that man slowly pushed the berries one by one up his ass. Just as he was pushing the 9th berry, he started laughing hysterically. Boom! He died.

In Heaven, God asked him, `Why did you laugh ? You could have saved your life !!!'

Still snickering, the man said,`I couldn't help it. I saw my friend bringing 10 durians!'


Enjoy !!!!!!

Bad Timing.....

Time...... always a precious commodity for me. And it gets more precious as I get older because I know for a fact that the supply is getting less and less by the minute.... or seconds. Sigh! All those time wasted when I was younger.

I read a very wise quote long ago, `Live every day like it's your last, for one day, when it comes true, you will have no regrets.' It makes absolute sense. It's not like it means we are going to spend every last cent we have like there's no tomorrow...... if you do that, come tomorrow, it's just going to be regret that's left...... hehe! It means, no procrastinating, maximising every minute of every day...... blah, blah, blah !

Ermm... does that mean there's no rest ? No, it means, being aware, fully aware of what you are doing .... savouring every moment that passes by. Like when you are eating something, if you gobble everything up in a split second, you won't even know what it actually tastes like.

Hmm......... that's pretty philosophical...... time out. Now, it's the complaining part. I have terrible timing. All my life, my timing has been out of sync with the rest of the world, and it's always to my disadvantage, of course.

Now, let's take a trip down memory lane. When I was about to enter pre-u, there was a hike in the tuition prices for matriculation students. After finishing Form 6, there was a hike in university tuition fees. When I graduated, there was a recession.

When I wanted to buy a car, the Japanese yen rose all time high and all the prices of cars went up. When I wanted to buy an apartment, there was a shortage and prices were really high. I bought my apartment anyway but when it was ready, there was a glut and property prices went tumbling down.

So I decided to buy shares. Share prices were high and my friends were making big bucks. I decided to buy some. After investing my lot, came the Asian currency crisis. Every single share I had lost 90% of their values. Most of them did not recover, until today.

I decided to start a small business. Just when things were picking up, came Sept. 11., then war, then SARS, then tsunami.......

`The Gods are mocking me !!!' I told myself. Aren't they ? It takes so much planning..... way ahead of time and so much effort. It's like they are saying, ` Okay... he's planning to start a business, .... so, let's turn the whole world upside down...... Don't make it easy for him, give him a really hard time, just to spite him and see how much he can take!!!'

And these are just the `macro' stuff.... the big things. I don't even want to talk about car washing, finding parking places, gambling, etc.

Then I thought..... `Hello, wake up..... the world doesn't revolve around you.' There are so many people with worse fates. Sept 11. So many people lost their lives and loved ones. The war.... so many lives wasted. Tsunami..... even more lives taken. And you are complaining about not making enough money!

Okay, fine. I understand. But, does that mean I've lost my right to complain ? Okay, I've no answer to this one cos I'm still trying to figure it out.

A friend of mine summed it up in a rather amusing way. Life is such that, it's never perfect. 3 things ~ Time, Energy and Money.

When we are young, we have the time and energy but no money to do the things we want to do.
When we start working, we have the energy and money, but no time to do it.
When we are old, we have the money and the time, but no energy to do it.

Another lady friend said this.... `When we were young, we spent our youth chasing after fortunes. Now that we are old, we spend our fortunes chasing after lost youth.......'

Always a case of bad timing..... it's not going anywhere. But it's life..... so savour every minute of it and make the best of it and stop complaining like me......... somehow, you will survive.

Live life to the fullest and live it well...... then one day, when we are old, we can look back and say, `Despite it all, I've had a great life..........'

To be or not to be ?

Oh...... it's Wesak Day....... time to drum up some good qualities, compassion and kindness. To reflect on what a bad boy I've been..... hehe!

Been trying all my life to be the good guy..... they say it's good for your karma, but how good is it for you, now ?

I've always wondered when people say..... when your enemies give you a hard time, you should have patience and tolerance. One day, they will realise their mistakes and you would have helped some misguided people come to realisation. Nicely said. What if that day takes years or decades to come ? What if this person is so dense that he's never going to realise it ? How much can we stretch our patience and tolerance? What if they won't stop at it and get ambitious ?

I was in this type of situation before. What if the enemy won't stop attacking ? Like a mad dog on rampage....... are we going to say, Hey, you missed my left arm..... come and bite some more ? Or do we grab the nearest thing and thrash the living daylights out of it ?

There was a lot of confusion on my part..... as in...... okay, we are in a tight situation here. Here I am, trying to be nice, compassionate and kind..... and there you are, attacking me like there's no tomorrow. The wise words I have tell me...... sit there, be quiet and let them hack you.... one day they will realise their mistakes. I'd say, what if there's nothing left of me to hack before they even begin to realise it ? Am I supposed to be reborn again so that they can continue hacking me ? .... and fine, let's go one step further, like how many lifetimes are we looking at ?

It's like you have a colleague who's bent on giving you a hard time..... victimise you all the time. And you can't fight back cos he's the MD's favourite or, he's your boss !

It was a mental battle for me....... to be nice and maybe die for it ..... or, fight back and be `not-so-nice' ???

Some religions put a number to it. 3 times... that's all you get. After the 3rd time, watch your back! Maybe it's like....... 1st time, you are ignorant, so we forgive you. 2nd time, you are foolish, but we still forgive you. 3rd time, you are stretching your luck and our patience, stop now or face the consequences..... you are warned!

Sometimes, the enemy doesn't get any warnings. It's a rule of thumb and after the 3rd time........... the hunter becomes the hunted. Okay, I really don't know the reasons for it, but I think it's logical to think of it that way. An interesting concept though.

Now, back to my controversy. To be or not to be ? It's no laughing matter.... it has affected my life a lot...... 7 yrs to be exact. It took me 7 whole years to realise it. One night, out of frustration, I sat in front of my Buddha image..... and poured my heart out.... just like what I wrote above...... Am I doing it wrong ?

Then I flipped a CD and played..... Out of curiosity, I read the translation...... there were many verses, but what striked me were.......

Not to follow or associate with fools, to associate with the wise and to honour those who are worthy of honour.............. this is the supreme blessing.......

I cried.

Okay, I'd admit it didn't really answer my question but it got me thinking.... from a very different perspective altogether....

Happy Wesak Day...... You yourselves must strive, the teachers only show the way.....