Laughter....

Sometimes, life gets so draggy that I just want to escape. You know, a kit-kat break... but then, it's not always so convenient. So, I resort to remembering some jokes which I have read or heard before, yep, recycling jokes does help me to release some tension.... hehe! Hey, I am easy to please!

Here are some of my favourites, sent or told by friends.

Joke 1 ~ Drunk Woman

A couple walked into a bar and sat at a table. Then the husband pointed at a drunk woman sitting at the bar counter and told his wife proudly,` You know, that's my ex. Poor gal, took to drinking after we broke off and never got over me.'

The wife looked surprised, frowned and exclaimed, `My God! That's 20 years ! Who could go on celebrating for that long???!!!'

Joke 2 ~ Bad Day

A guy was sitting at a bar counter and his friend came in. Took his drink and gulped it down. Then the guy started crying. His friend said, `Hey, cool it man, I'll get you another, something's bothering you?'

The guy said between sobs, `Nothing seems to go right today. My car broke down and I was late for work. My boss sacked me becos of that and told me to clear my table. When I took a cab home, I left my wallet in it. When I reached home, I caught my wife in bed with the gardener. So I ran out of the house and came here to kill myself. And you drank the poison!'

Joke 3 ~ Life's Tragedies

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

Joke 4 ~ Eye Contact

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Joke 5 ~ Social Security

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


Joke 6 ~ Mother-in-Law

Two guys were drinking at a bar. One of them said, `My mother-in-law is such an angel'

The other said, `You are lucky! Mine's still alive!'

Joke 7 ~ Laughter

Two guys were lost in a jungle and could not find their way out. In the darkness, they saw a light and went to the house to seek help. An old woman took them in but warned them not to disturb her beautiful daughter. Early the next morning, when the old woman went out to pick mushrooms, the men seduced her.

Halfway, the old woman appeared with a shot gun and pointed at them. `You ungrateful men! Now you have to pay with your lives!' The men pleaded to her and begged for a second chance. So, she said,` You can't escape without my help anyway. Okay, I'll give you one more chance, go to the jungle and bring back 10 fruits.'

They ran off to the jungle and the first one came back with 10 wild berries. The old woman said, `Now, shaft these wild berries up your arse. If you make any noise, I'll shoot you.' Paled with fear, that man slowly pushed the berries one by one up his ass. Just as he was pushing the 9th berry, he started laughing hysterically. Boom! He died.

In Heaven, God asked him, `Why did you laugh ? You could have saved your life !!!'

Still snickering, the man said,`I couldn't help it. I saw my friend bringing 10 durians!'


Enjoy !!!!!!

The Essentials.......

I was watching TV yesterday and there was this talk show about the 5C's that all the girls are looking for. In fact, this is not the first time I've heard about it..... some of my friends mentioned it before.

So, what exactly are these `C's ? Credit card, Condominium, Car, Certificate, Carats. Hmm... whatever happened to love ? Cos it doesn't start with a `c' ?

In that show, they were talking about financial security and stuff like that. But what is it, really ?

It's pride, a friend said. Pride ? Yeah, try bringing your boyfriend back to meet mum on a honda cup. Or even better, try bringing him back on foot from the LRT station. What will the neighbours say ? What will Auntie Sam Pat say ?

`Oh...your daughter is going out with that guy ? Wei, no car wor, can afford the dowry ar ? So, not worth it leh!!!' `Can feed the children meh ? You want to sponsor ar?'

Okay, okay, let's be fair..... I am sure all the aunties and relatives have some good intentions. But to a certain extend, it's true. I mean, come on, you can't even afford your own lifestyle, can you provide a better one for your family-to-be? These days, having a baby is a luxury. All those `milk powders 1,2 & 3' or the `everything in one milk' powders can be very expensive, it's like more than RM50 per tin which is good only for a week or so. And that's not counting disposable diapers, clothes, injections, lotions, shampoo, cradle, etc, etc. On the average, a baby needs about RM500-RM600 per month, maintenance only. Of course, as they grow bigger, it gets higher. Try having another one the next year! Hahahah! Phew! Let's not go into that.

Ok, back to our topic. One colleague recently told me,in view of the current credit crunch and economic crisis, the credit card has been changed to cash instead. Hahaha! Better to have cash on hand than credit you have to pay through, after you marry him.

So personality, caring attitude, lovingness, looks..... all don't count? It helps, she said. Just look at it as a `bonus'.... but then, this types are rare to come by. Hello? Good looking, caring, loving, good personality plus the 5c's and he's still single ? You've got to be kidding me. Oh yes, they do exist, but they prefer to check out my brother!

Well, not all of us need all the 5c's...... some of us do earn more than them. But then, we can never get anyone good, cos the men are just too proud to have their girlfriends earn more than them. The so-called, `guy thing, the unwritten rule. We have to find guys who earn more than us, so, imagine if you are the regional director of a MNC? Not many choices left. Only the dirty old businessmen or spoilt rich man's son.

What do the guys have to say about this ??? Ermm.... let me ask around first and update you people, ok ? So, for the time being..... work harder guys, you are expected to have the 5c's

Enjoy...........and don't take what I write too seriously, it's just for the fun of it!

Meaningful Quotes...

I was listening to Dionne Warwick one day… singing to the lyrics of the song, ‘I’ll never love this way again’ when it hit me. `A fool will lose tomorrow, reaching back for yesterday’

How nicely put… and it made me think…. Why am I spending time moaning and groaning over what people did to me? Instead, I should be spending my time doing something for myself, today, tomorrow and so on.

It’s funny how so much of self analysis, reasoning and endless excuses can be all made to look so silly with just one sentence. Thinking back, many of these quotes have somehow shaped the way I think… the words of the wise…….. some of them are of Buddhist origin.

Here are some quotes mixed with my interpretation, for you to ponder…….

`You yourselves must strive…. The teachers only show the way’.

Be kind to the helpless, be gentle to the young, be generous to the poor and needy, be respectful to the old, be understanding to the ignorant, be compassionate to your enemies…… for someday, you would have been all of these.

Do not do onto others, what you do not want others to do to you.

Live everyday of your life like it’s your last, for one day, it will come true.

Live your life to the fullest so when time is running short and you prepare for death, you’ll be glad that you have lived.

Let go of your past and your past will let go of you.

Though one may conquer a thousand men in a thousand battles, yet, the most victorious person is one who conquers himself.

When one mistakes the unessential to be essential and the essential to be unessential, dwelling in wrong thoughts, never arrives at the essential.

I do not see a useless old man. I see a man who once toiled to be the breadwinner of his family. I see a man who spent sleepless nights worrying about the welfare of his family. I see a man who has had his glorious days. I see wisdom from the lessons that life has taught him. Thus I do not see an old useless man. I see a man who has earned his right to be treated with love and utmost respect.

I do not see a useless old woman. I see a woman spent months laboring on her pregnancy. I see a woman who spent sleepless nights feeding her babies and caring for them till they could fend for themselves. I see a women who sacrificed for her family and stood by her husband through thick and thin. I see wisdom from all her experiences. Thus I do not see a useless old woman. I see a woman who has earned her right to be treated with love and utmost respect.

Within a stone is fire, if not hit, the sparks will not appear. Within the heart of a person is a Buddha, if not cultivated, it will not appear.

Life is like a highway. Don’t move too fast or too slow. There’s always someone ahead of you and there’s always someone behind you. Just move at a pace you are comfortable with and enjoy the ride

Be thankful that you are in the position to give, than to have to receive.

If you can’t love yourself, don’t expect others to.

Well, that’s a lot of pondering to do for the moment…… when I can remember more, I’ll share it with you guys…….. have a great life!

Somewhere.... over the rainbow.

Is faithfulness outdated ?

`It was never in fashion'.... quipped one friend, giving me the `Duh!' look. Okay, so, we are at battle stations, combat-ready zone. I took the risk of sounding stupid and just to spite her, I asked, `But why ????'

`Because men are pigs, that's why!'... then she realised I was teasing her and she gave me a dirty look and walked away.

Actually, a lot has been written about this subject but somehow, the situation never changes. Lots of people just like to sleep around these days, whether we care to admit it or not.

Now... let's look at `isolated cases'.... lest I am accused of generalising. There is a man who has five sons, and when DNA tested, only one of them is his. I have personally seen, the many going-ons in offices and other places of work. Married ladies flirting with handsome managers. Then we have the `milk-man' stories where the milk men delivered more than milk. Or the muscle-bound gardener or pool boy who did more than their fair share of maintenance.

On the other hand, as for the men.... well, there are legends and classics written about their infidelity! There are too many `isolated cases' to be mentioned here, I won't have enough space, nor the energy to type it all out. Suffice to say, anything that moves and sometimes, even those that don't really move, is enough to get the testorone surging.

Now, closer to home and more recent times, we have a normal married couple. After years of courtship, they decide to seal the relationship with a fantastic wedding. One year later, the husband is out on a prowl. Why ?

They say it's the animal instinct. In fact, recently, there was book written on it and was even talked about in Oprah's show. Why do men cheat ? I missed that episode though. I think sex is very different for a man compared to a woman. When the the testorone is raging, anything goes. Hahahahah!

And when the wife is not around, whatever is convenient would do. Sounds horrible? It's barbaric! Of course, we have been taught to be civilised about it. Most of us follow the rules, but most of us bend the rules. And for men, the best way is the most convenient and hassle free way. The `get-it-over-and-done-it' method. Why ? That's because the next surge is just around the corner. Hahhaha!

Just for the fun of it, let's examine some of the factors and reasons :

a)DIY ~ the last resort when absolutely nothing is available.

b)In a certain country, they have made it so convenient.... a vending machine! Yes! Drop your money and stick it in. Fast, hassle-free service! Just don't ask who is behind the machine doing the `service'! I heard those without teeth are usually the popular servicers. Talk about a smooth ride, hehehehe!

c)The oldest trade, no elaboration needed.

d)Colleagues. Other people's wives. It's safe (if you use protection, hehe!), it's free, it's no risk of obligation and in the unlikely event that she gets pregnant, she can claim it on her husband.

e)Other guys. Yes, other guys. Again, it's safe (again, if you use protection, hehe!), it's free, it's no obligation and no risk of pregnancy.

f) Mistress. well, you can only opt for this option if you can afford it. But if you are the type who can't stick to one, you'd better reconsider this option, they can threaten you with lots of stuff.

g) Polygamy ~ this is like so last century. Who can afford 50 kids and 5 houses these days ? And so many many responsibilities.... there's a good reason why it's so last century. Too much hassle, too heavy burden on finances, too many headaches and too many screaming kids. You won't have much energy to be unfaithful after that.

h) Pride. The playboy syndrome. Women are like trophies of virility.

i)Girls who flirt with you, fully aware that you are married. It's like a dream come true for most guys and saying `No' is not really the `guy thing' to do.

But hey, in fact, this is the single most common way that marriages break up, after mistresses, of course. Why do single girls go for married guys ?

I asked a friend once. Why ? She said, a matter of factly, `The handsome ones are all gays, the rich ones are after the rich man's daughters, the intelligent ones are with their university mates, the capable ones are overseas. The rest are either fat, ugly, uneducated, foul-smelling mouth, strong B.O., broke, living with mummy, psycho cases or... all of the above. So, what is there left ? Those rare few who are around, available or not, as long as they are willing ... are for grabs!'

So, whose fault is it anyway ? Should mother nature produce more guys so that there's a balance ? Or maybe, there are a few rare ones out there, all faithful and nice, the very very rare few. But then, they are so rare, there's not enough to go around, so that option is out.

I know, some of you may be offended by this article, but hey, I am just writing it for fun. Ask yourself, how true is it ?

C'mon..... this is not the end of the world. I am sure faithfulness still exists.... somewhere... over the rainbow...

The Mysterious World of David........Part 2

David did not grow up like other boys. He was always a victim of ridicule and jealousy. Somehow, some people just hated him, and for no reason at all. He once told me that when he was a kid, he didn't like himself at all. Even though he was brought up with good manners and was well-behaved all the time, his school mates just could not resist making a mockery of him.

It was only until when he was in secondary school that he found some good friends who provided some `protection' against those `evil' people. They were not important to him, David told me. David is the type who is very self-involved. One thing he has a fascination for is fantasy fiction. Gods, fairies, demons and ghosts .... these are the stories that captivate him.

Being a science student in his secondary school years, he knew very well it was a form of escapism and being taunted every so often, it was a good way for him to bury himself in the fantasy world.

It has always fascinated him how mediums could predict the future, cure sickness and find lost items. They are the `know-all' and people would follow their instructions to the minute details. David followed him mother to some of the sessions and although he didn't know what they were talking about, he was fascinated with it.

Some of these deities did have a strong influence on David's life..... one of whom is `Hua Kwang', the guardian deity of the Chinese Opera troupes. Chinese opera troupes have always been something of a mystery. We see them on stage all dressed up and singing things we don't understand but it has a totally different world of its own.

According to David, when these troupes have to do their performance on a new stage, they have perform a cleansing ritual. In this ritual, one of the actors has to dress up as `Hua Kwang'. Another actor has to dress up as `the devil' or evil spirit. Then candles and joss sticks would be lit up at Hua Kwang's altar and the actors would pray to him and inform him that they want to do the stage cleansing ritual.

Almost immediately, both actors fall into a trance. The Hua Kwang actor would chase after the `devil' actor around the stage, with a long spear. This would go on and on until the `devil' actor is chased off the stage (yes, he has to jump off the stage, which is about 5 ft high !). David has asked the actors if they were acting. They repeatedly denied having any control. In fact, once it was so bad, the actors quarrelled after the cleansing ritual, because the `devil' actor scolded his counterpart, `Are you crazy ? You nearly killed me back then!' After the ritual, a chicken is to be sacrificed to Hwa Kuang and all the actors have to use the blood to dot their foreheads as protection.

Chinese opera troupes have all sorts of superstitions. Musical instruments were considered sacred and not to crossed over. So were the costumes, boxes, props and headgears. Some words were forbidden and some things were forbidden. David explained that Chinese opera stories evolved around ancient Chinese history and legends. Those items represented heroes, deities, demi-gods, emperors, legendary figures and contained their aura. If the person's luck is not strong enough, disrespecting or offending them could have disastrous consequences.

David also told me Hwa Kwang is also his guardian deity, being a member of the opera troupe. He was like the `Guru' since David was a kid. I once asked him, `How does that help you ?' `Many ways' David replied.

When he first got involved as a child actor, he was very nervous. He prayed to Hwa Kwang for guidance. He remembered the first acting experience. He had butterflies in his stomach just before going out and he was about to run off the stage. He was only 11 years old at that time. The strange thing was, the moment he stepped out on the stage, all his fears disappeared and it went on smoothly. David insisted that it was his godfather guru, Hwa Kwang who gave him the courage.

He also said that Hwa Kwang protected him from evil spirits and even as a child, he was never afraid of the dark. Other than that, being able to sing Chinese opera, he had to refrain from cursing people for it could very well come true. Superstitions, superstitions and more superstitions..... I laughed and told David, `This is not going to bring you anywhere.... you can't get rich, you can't get happiness ... you can't even get a girlfriend.'

`But I can get peace of mind.......' That's my good old friend David.... do come back for more stories !!!

To have or not to have ?

I was in one of my sentimental moods today...... after listening to Van Morrison's `Someone Like you'........ thinking to myself, if I ever find my soul mate, this is the song I would serenade....

Then someone asked me, `Hey, my friend is in trouble. She found out that her husband also swings the other way! She feels hurt but she doesn't want a divorce. What is she going to do ?' Phew! What a way to burst my yearning-for-romance bubble ! That's it. When you don't have it, you want it. When you have it, chances are, you might lose it anytime! And to the most unexpected rival! Hehehe! Don't mean to be mean.... but that's so ironical.

So, what do people like us who are still looking for it do ? Do we hide behind the walls of fear and say `No' to every opportunity ? Not that there are that many to begin with! Or do we try out every single one and remain immuned to all the failures ?

Problem is, it's different for men and women. If the men try out every single one, he's the stud, the eligible bachelor, the casanova, the hotshot of romance. For women, she's the slut, the `bandaraya' (town council rubbish dump), nympho, 2nd hand or 3rd hand goods, lelong girl, closing sale 90% off girl and more locally, the Bohsia (meaning no sound in Hokkien, cos they escape from the homes without any sound and anyone could have her) It sounds really wicked but that's the reality of it all.

And it's so unfair... but it has been like this for centuries. No amount of picketing or education is going to change that. Anyway, it's weird to have a rally for women to fight for equality in sex with the topic, `Don't label us as sluts when we have multiple partners!' So, it looks like it's going to stay awhile, at least in our lifetime... hehe! But I do notice, the trend seems to be changing these days....


And we can go on and blame the society, the tv, the movies, the internet, the parents, the uncles and aunties, the school, the hawker, etc, etc. But come to think of it...... it all boils down to we ourselves. Stop blaming everyone and everything and start re-examining ourselves.

The cards have been laid out on the table. The guys...... you could have as many as you want, but beware of STDs...... hehe! The ladies..... you know what people will call you if you are too `sociable'...... it's your call. I know, it's lame..... eeeiiw... even I can't stand myself right now but hey, I didn't make the rules. It's just an observation.

Back to our topic..... to have or not to have.... I have no solution to this. But there is something that I would like to share with you. It's based on a Buddhist principle. Attachment as against detachment. It's pretty complicated but I'v summarised it like this (at least, it's my understanding of it) :

To have love = attachment = suffering if you lose it
To have love = attachment = worrying you might lose it
Not to have love = detachment = suffering if you still want it
Not to have love = detachment = bliss if you really mean it

My solution to this

To have love = attachment = worrying you might lose it ~ be prepared to lose it even before you get attached. Have that `If I can take it up, I can let it go' attitude

To have love = attachment = suffering if you lose it ~ make the most of it while you can, so when you lose it, you don'feel like you were shortchanged. Notice I used `when' not `if'...... eventually, you WILL lose it.... unless Dracula takes a bite at you, you can't live forever, can you ?

Not to have love = detachment = suffering if you still want it ~ You want it, go and for it. Just be prepared for the above.

Not to have love = detachment = bliss if you really mean it ~ ata girl! That's the way to go...... you are heading for Nirvana.

So, it's really up to you.....goodluck !!!!

The Mysterious World of David........Part 1

Let me introduce David..... a Chinese guy..... looks normal, most of the time anyway... hehe! David is in his thirties, medium built and has a charming smile. He grew up in a small town, went to study in Singapore (that's where I met him)and now, he's back in Malaysia...... blah, blah, blah.... let's skip the boring stuff and zoom in on the juicy ones... hehe!

When he was young, people have always considered him somewhat of a weirdo. He didn't quite fit in anywhere. He acted strangely and could even have his own picnic in front of his parent's house, at the roadside and had no qualms about it whatsoever. But he was quite a sickly boy in his younger days. Endless nightmares when he would wake up sweating in the middle of the night until at one time, he dreaded sleeping.

Being the `weirdo', his relatives or neighbours would never leave him alone. Maybe if they had given him a hard time, they won't feel so bad about how indequate their children were. He was a brilliant student, much to their disappoinment. When people teased him, he just kept quiet. But some people just don't know how to stop. When things got bad, really bad, he would lose his temper in a strange viscious manner. One time, his uncle teased him so bad, he turned around and said, `Careful when you're riding your bike'. The next day, he met with an accident!

A neighbour, Tan, disliked him for his `unusual' behavior, because he was not like other boys. He was intelligent way beyond his age and he could explain things to adults that even they could not understand. So, one day during a gathering and while David was eating in the middle of the crowd, the neighbour pulled his pants down. And everyone laughed. David's face changed, he did not cry. Face red with anger, his eyes pierced into Tan's eyes and he said, `You will pay for this ... all your life !!!'

With that, David dropped the plate, pulled up his pants and walked off. Everyone just shrugged off and continued eating while Tan was still laughing away. The price that Tan had to pay was enormous. 2 months later, Tan lost everything at the Genting Casino, his business went bankrupt and had to leave Malaysia to hide. And for 20 years, he hid in Taiwan, doing menial jobs.

Yes, David, my good friend..... a scary character ? In actual fact, he is the nicest person. Somehow, people just won't leave him alone.

He told me once, his parents were going to take him to see a movie and he was vey excited about it. But 15 minutes before leaving for the cinema, it rained very heavily and his parents decided to cancel their plans. Naturally, David was very disappointed since he waited for the whole week to see that movie. So, he went to the car porch, looked at the sky and said, `Please stop the rain for me, please !!!!!!' The rain stopped in 5 minutes.

Pure coincidence ? Oh yes, he can also command the wind !!! We went out once and it was hot and humid that night. I said, `Oh, how I wish there's some wind! It's so hot here....' David asked, `You sure you want wind?' `Yes! Why ? You can order some for me ? Hahaha!' David smiled, closed his eyes and then I saw him blowing some air from his mouth gently. A few minutes later, a slight breeze came...and I said, `Yeah right! It's coincidence, ok ?' After I said that, the wind started blowing... nice cold wind... and it didn't stop until we left one hour later.

That's my good friend, David. And this is just the beginning........ come back for more stories on David.