They say that when you are super-charged with emotions, that’s
when you can write effectively. Well, I
guess now is the best time to update on my blog! A lot of things have happened over the past few
months… it was like a beautiful dream that turned into a horrible nightmare…which unfortunately, ended as a reality for me. I
shall not elaborate on what it was, but suffice to say, I was deeply affected
by it… what the hell, I cried for 10 whole days!!! Okay, now you can laugh!
My friends have asked me, why…why are you so affected by
it? You are experienced and you can
handle such things, why are you so beaten?
I told them, I’m not a machine, I can’t just flip a switch and restart
and all will be well. Really? What are you then? More importantly, how am I now?
Over the years, I have had many bad experiences. People who were nasty to the core and making
sure they made my life difficult. Or
people who lied to me, played me like a doll and threw me aside when they have
found a better toy. I have gone through
all that, but why am I still so affected by it?
I think the answer lies in my values. When
you are being bombarded by lots of problems and you are suffering, the most
normal reaction would be to seek revenge.
While you lick your wounds, you scheme and plan on how you can get back
at those who hurt you. And when you have
recovered, you put your plan into action.
You want your aggressors to feel as much pain as you did…you want
blood! That would be the most logical and quickest but
not necessarily the best way to complete your recovery process. We can see a lot of that in the drama series….hehehe!
But, I am Buddhist. Even
though, the years of hardship has taught me many lessons and the temptation to seek
revenge is overwhelming, I have tried very hard to enlighten myself with
Buddhist logic. I have struggled, cried
over wrongdoings of others and felt abandoned by the Gods. I have asked for guidance and while most
times, I do get answers….. I find it hard to follow. My heart still fills with
anger and the feeling of injustice done to me almost always swallow me up. I give
the excuse that, `I’m only mortal’.
Somehow, today…. The light
came shining through. I finally saw
why. Yes, it has been a daily struggle for
me for years and the injustice seems insurmountable. But, over the years, my
heart remains pure. My feelings towards
others remain sincere. My intentions
remain good. I am still genuinely happy
for other people. My compassion seems to grow.
My conscience is clear. Like the
lotus in the muddy and dirty waters, it blooms out, pure and beautiful. May I never lose sight of this each time I am
challenged. Amitabha!!!
