They say that when you are super-charged with emotions, that’s when you can write effectively. Well, I guess now is the best time to update on my blog! A lot of things have happened over the past few months… it was like a beautiful dream that turned into a horrible nightmare…which unfortunately, ended as a reality for me. I shall not elaborate on what it was, but suffice to say, I was deeply affected by it… what the hell, I cried for 10 whole days!!! Okay, now you can laugh!
My friends have asked me, why…why are you so affected by it? You are experienced and you can handle such things, why are you so beaten? I told them, I’m not a machine, I can’t just flip a switch and restart and all will be well. Really? What are you then? More importantly, how am I now?
Over the years, I have had many bad experiences. People who were nasty to the core and making sure they made my life difficult. Or people who lied to me, played me like a doll and threw me aside when they have found a better toy. I have gone through all that, but why am I still so affected by it?
I think the answer lies in my values. When you are being bombarded by lots of problems and you are suffering, the most normal reaction would be to seek revenge. While you lick your wounds, you scheme and plan on how you can get back at those who hurt you. And when you have recovered, you put your plan into action. You want your aggressors to feel as much pain as you did…you want blood! That would be the most logical and quickest but not necessarily the best way to complete your recovery process. We can see a lot of that in the drama series….hehehe!
But, I am Buddhist. Even though, the years of hardship has taught me many lessons and the temptation to seek revenge is overwhelming, I have tried very hard to enlighten myself with Buddhist logic. I have struggled, cried over wrongdoings of others and felt abandoned by the Gods. I have asked for guidance and while most times, I do get answers….. I find it hard to follow. My heart still fills with anger and the feeling of injustice done to me almost always swallow me up. I give the excuse that, `I’m only mortal’.
Somehow, today…. The light came shining through. I finally saw why. Yes, it has been a daily struggle for me for years and the injustice seems insurmountable. But, over the years, my heart remains pure. My feelings towards others remain sincere. My intentions remain good. I am still genuinely happy for other people. My compassion seems to grow. My conscience is clear. Like the lotus in the muddy and dirty waters, it blooms out, pure and beautiful. May I never lose sight of this each time I am challenged. Amitabha!!!