Do you know where you're going to ?

Tim asked the other day, `Anything new on your blog?’ I answered, `Nothing.’ He asked, `Why?’ I told him, `I have nothing to write about’ `Writer’s block?’`No, not even that… nothing’s happening in my life worth writing about’ `Oh…..’

Then I got to thinking. So, it’s my routine…. Wake-up, breakfast & vitamins(lots), work, lunch, work, stress (lots), then gym, then eat, then TV, internet and finally, sleep. The next day, it’s the same thing all over again. I am getting to be a very boring person. The occasional days which Tim dropped by were the `exciting’ days….eating out and complaining about my life. Or cooking something nice and still complaining about my life. Ooooh.. did I mention complaining about my life, twice? Yeah, I did.

I remember the joke…. `Life sucks and the partner doesn’t!’ Heheheh! I am leading a very mundane life, almost like a retired person. This is soooo not me. I never liked routines, chores and schedules. I enjoyed the unpredictability in life and the excitement of spontaneity. Just spur of the moment, pick up and go. An occasional impulse shopping spree or pack and go holiday. Routine? Get outta here! But I guess I learnt the hard way, that there is some truth in the saying about `rolling stones will not gather any moss’. Thus, the justification for my routine boring life these days.

Then I pondered upon the ever big question, what is life to you? What do want to get out of it? Hmm… this reminds me of the lyrics of a Diana Ross song, `Do you know, where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you ? Where are you going to? Do you know? Do you get what you’re hoping for? When you look behind you there’s no open door? What are you hoping for? Do you know?’

And then it goes on to say… `We’ve let so many dreams just slip through our hands. Why must we wait so long, before we see, how sad the answers to those questions can be?’ Story of my life. I guess I just feel so beaten and so defeated for being ambitious. All of us are, to a certain extent.

When we were young, we felt like the world was our playground , all for us to conquer. Then came the `bad guys’, fate, many many strokes of bad luck… each lesson more bitter than the one before.. each beating more vicious……until today. I feel like a wild horse, whipped into compliance, broken into and tamed … and resigned to a humble existence that would not threaten anyone. I suppose I would eventually fade into oblivion and no one would even remember I existed….what a bleak future I am facing.

Some say, to let it go. It’s bad karma to feel vengeful. Accept your fate and move on. Treat it as a lesson. A lesson? To be what? To be a pushover? To be a timid harmless guy with no ambitions? To kowtow and worship all those nasty people like Gods, for fear of their wrath?

I recently realized, that it’s not anger nor hatred. It’s the surges of energy within my very soul that refuses to be tied down and repressed. I don’t want to be what other people think I should be and I can’t allow myself to be forcibly moulded according to the whims and fancies of the rich and powerful people. People who have used extreme and evil methods, I assure you. I want to be what I want to be.

They won and I fell. And I was wounded….in more ways than one. Never in my wildest dreams would I have anticipated what I had had to face. Well, I am licking my wounds now. Soon, I will not be singing a song of defeat. I will pick myself up again, this time, wiser and stronger. Maybe it is a lesson afterall. But it’s not a lesson to be a pushover. It’s a lesson to be extremely well-prepared. So I lost my fight. No big deal. For those obnoxious people, who gave me hell, make sure you are prepared for what you are about to face!

And I thank all my friends who stood by me, thick and thin. Really love you guys! So, here’s another Diana Ross song that I am singing now…..

Don’t lose your way, with each passing day,
You’ve come so far, don’t throw it away….
Live believing, dreams are for weaving..
Wonders are waiting to start…
Live your story, faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth, in your heart

If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die…….

….. seek out a star, and hold on to the end.

So, guys, don’t ever, ever let anyone tell you or beat you into giving up your dreams. Hold on to it, till the end!

When the sun sets on you.....

Yesterday, my friend, Tim and I went out for lunch. While driving in my neighborhood, we saw a house up for sale. Tim told me that he was looking for a house and we decided to call the number. The owner wanted to sell it for RM400,000.00. Wow ! Didn’t know the houses in my area could command such a high price! Anyway, after some haggling, he told us that the price was negotiable. I asked Tim, `Why do you need another house? You already have one that’s worth close to a million ringgit. ‘ He told me that it was his father’s house, shared by his siblings. He wanted something for himself, for old age.

I didn’t like the direction which our conversation was going… the old age direction. But we joked about having friends live together, all old and senile and at least, having some company. And we left it at that. But, that thought kept gnawing at the back of my mind. Something I don’t want to think about .. although the reality is, it’s something I have to face up to, one day, and all too soon. Fine, bring it on!

Ok, let’s say, we all have children. The ideal picture would be, having our children, children-in-laws, grandchildren…all happy and doing everything together! So many happy faces! Wow, that would be great! Sadly, that only happens in HK soap-operas and only at the series finale. Now, reality check. How many of us want to live with our parents these days, married or not ? Some still do… free accommodation, free meals, free baby-sitter. Of course, after a while, usually the wife will insist on moving out after she realizes that her mother-in-law still dotes on her son. In the end, it’s an empty nest, no matter how many children you have.

Just last week, an old man who just got checked out of a hospital, travelled 300 miles to meet his son. Haiz…the things we do for our children……. A few hours after the meeting the father, the son drove him to a place of worship and just abandoned him there. OMG !

Okay, okay… this article is not about being filial, we’ll deal with that another time. Sometimes, I look at some old people. Feeble, weak .. nevertheless, always a kind smile. They used to be `someone’. He used to be a breadwinner, she used to mrs. multi-tasker in the house or a super sales agent or high ranking officer or nurse.

Time can be cruel sometimes… fading out all our accomplishments. Now we are just old, senile and weak…no matter what we were before that.

How do you deal with that? How do we grow old with dignity? A lot of our younger generation do not know how to respect people who are older than them. They think too highly of themselves and they think that being rebellious and sarcastic is equivalent to being smart and quick witted. I encountered one such rascal last year. I was chatting in a common chatroom and I saw this guy scolding another guy. `You are old and useless, you shouldn’t be chatting here. You should just get ready to die gracefully. Old! Old! Old! Bloody old goose! Gosh… I wouldn’t want to be that old!’ The other guy just kept quiet, defeated by something he couldn’t help, old age.

When I see stupidity of such epic proportions, my evil twin breaks out in fury. Fighting my rage , I calmly asked the boy, `So, how old is old ?’ He said, `Anyone above 35yo is old.’ I continued, `And you don’t want to grow old?’ He answered, `Of course, I m still young.’ Then I answered him, much to the surprise and amusement of the whole chatroom, `Yes, it’s quite obvious that you are still very very young, especially in the way you think. But let’s make your wish come true. Let us all pray, day and night, all year round…to all the Gods of all of the religions, that you may never grow older than 35. Not a day, a minute or a second older than 35 years of age.’ Then, obviously confused, he asked, `So what happens after that?’. Gotcha! Then, like triumphant wicked witch, I laughed sinisterly and proclaimed, `Hahahahaha! My dear boy, like it or not, you die!’ The whole chatroom cheered !

In retrospect, I realized, I was this vicious because, I too am older than 35 years. I guess he must have pressed all the right buttons to trigger me off like that. You don’t have to tell me I am old, I know I am old, so mind your own business and back off! I didn’t see that one coming though. Some people may view my reaction to it as being immature, but I think otherwise. Being matured doesn’t mean you have to sit around and allow others to punch and kick you till you are almost dead before you react, nature is already doing a great job at the dying part. And I have done my fair share of walking away. Some people just can’t be educated, when you tread on dangerous grounds, be prepared for the worse. I mean, as it is, we have to deal with failing health, slowing metabolism, wrinkles, falling teeth, aching joints, cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc, etc… and still have to put up with insolent foul-mouthed guys like this? No way!

I used to always feel like the victim…. Perpetually in the victim mode, but no more. Now, I am the predator, the aggressor. Come old age or smartass idiots, I will fight them off with no mercy. Or maybe I will learn to be more subtle, less ruthless and kinder… hehehe! May we all have the strength, health and wisdom to live through our sunset days…….with happiness, serenity and meditative composure. Here’s something which I learnt from my meditation :


All our lives, we have strived for.....
Wealth & Ownership
Beauty & Pleasures
Fame & Power
And yet, in the end, what we truly own… is our karma.

Big Mouth Me.....

Recently I have been making a lot of comments on the happenings around us in the local news sites. Then it occurred to me.... Oh Daniel, you are doing it again! So what if you can see things differently from others ? Nobody asked for your opinion, so keep it to yourself! Or should I ?

Over the years, I have been punished for saying the right things to the right people at the right time.... Some people hated me for it, some people appreciated the candor. Many times, those people who hated me for it made sure I got severely punished. Examples are following me around for one whole month to puncture my tyres wherever I parked my car (that's more than 30 visits to the tyre shops, on foot!), public humiliation, black magic (sleepless nites with spirits partying in my body for 8 whole years), loss of friendship, horrible nicknames.. just to mention a few. Yeah, story of my life!

I chatted with someone last year and he told me this, `I am telling the truth, so if the truth hurts, just too bad. But you can't run away from the truth and you have to face it even if it hurts!'

Then, I got all `wise and old' ... pretty sure about the latter, unsure about the former... and told him, `Most of the time, people already know the truth, they just don't want to admit it. You may be telling the truth, but what gives you the right to hurt people's feelings?' At that time, I felt like I was deriding myself... yeah rite, say who's talking ? The biggest big mouth of all time telling others they don't have the right to hurt other people's feelings. Suddenly, I felt sick in my stomach...Oh gosh, I am a MONSTER !!!

I lost an old friend last year, when I playfully messaged him to tell him... `Hey, don't you think putting your age at 30 is stretching the truth a little too much ?' No doubt, it's a difference of 18 years (yes, Eighteen!) but I really don't know why I was such a busybody... I thought our friendship could withstand anything, but sadly, it couldn't. So, he got all defensive and told me how wrinkled my face was, etc and although I apologised profusely, the damage had been done and that was the end of our friendship.. I guess I deserved it, stepping on someone's tail for no reason.

Then there was this guy. He claimed to be gay and told me he was desperately looking for a boyfriend. So, I told him `Fine, good luck with your pursuit'. Then he continued to tell me that he wanted to get married and have children. I was like, `Huh ?' First you tell me you want a boyfriend and then now you tell me you want to marry a girl and have children? Exactly what do you want ? Gosh, these fellas are a confused lot. Of course, he angrily told me I was a racist and all sorts of other unmentionables. Is my thinking too backward or we are facing a new era of `acceptable' behavior which I am not aware of ? They actually want to have fun with as many guys as possible and then get married to have childen cos it's a `obligation' to the family and religion... and then, make the wife pregnant and continue to have fun with other guys, while still being married. Gosh... that's a lot to take in, even for me. And from chatting with so many people, it's RAMPANT !!!

Again, me and my big mouth got me into trouble... this time, being accused of being a racist, old-fashioned uncle and narrow-minded freak. I guess, it's `not right' for me to impose my values on others.... no matter how right I think it is. Still, at the back of my mind, I find it hard to rationalize it even with my most liberal of thinking. Oh well, it's his life... let him face the consequences.

I have learnt over the years, that sometimes, it's better not to let people know what they were doing wrongly. Some things are best learnt through experience, bitter experience. For some people, when you tell them, `Hey, you are going the wrong way... there's a big hole in front of you.' They will simply ignore you and even scold you for it. So, the best solution would be to let them go on their happy ways, fall into the big hole, hopefully, not so badly injured... and then, realise, hey, there IS really a big hole in front of me. That's when they will really learn. Of course, for some people, they have to fall a few times before they realise it... well, not everyone is that smart. The real tragedy would be those people around them, who have had to fall and suffer together with the thick-headed numbskull.

You can say at this point, that I am, in some ways, a thick-headed numbskull too. Overly-opinionated, irritatingly righteous and pathetically lonely. After falling into many many holes and crawling out all ego-bruised and full of remorse, I have learnt to try to keep my opinions to myself.... I have learnt to be more `diplomatic' in my approaches although I must admit, it's really really hard for me to fake liking a person or something. I know it's a breeze for some people but it takes real effort for me, so usually, I keep my distance so I don't have to fake anything. But that also means I don't have many friends. The few close friends who have been gems in my life are the only ones who come to me when they needed `an unbiased' view.

As the wise one once said, `When you see things clearly as they really are, not what people tell you to see, not what the general opinion is or not what it pretends to be, you can also see how to solve the problems associated with it.' But the wise one forgot to mention.... it's a lonely path to walk !

What Really Drives You?

As I was sitting alone just now... thinking... gosh, another weekend gone...another boring weekend. I asked myself, `Why are you feeling so empty?' Maybe because I didn't get to meet anyone I like ? But, hello, there's more to life than trying week after week to meet your soulmate.

Oh really ? There's more ? Then it dawned on me that I have been so obssessed by it that I have forgotten about the rest of the world and all that has been happening in my life.... That's my problem....I am always too focussed on something and tend to ignore everything else... sometimes it's good, cos the best of ideas and the greatest of discoveries were spawned from such obssessions.

And usually when I can't get what I want, I will do whatever I can to get it. I have allowed this obssession to possess over me. Looking at the bigger picture, a lot of us do that. The priorities in our lives change as we grow older. As kids, play time, school holidays and celebrations are the main driving forces. Then in our teengage years, girlfriends and boyfriends and... for the nerds, A's. Then the celebrities.... Oh those were the days, when celebrities were like Gods.

When we start working, the ladder climb in the competitive corporate world begins. Then, the pursuit of cars, position, money and property. Then romantic encounters. Then marriage. Then another 20 to 30 years' worth of worrying about the kids. Then the health concerns and finally, death brings the ultimate peace of mind.

But I guess I got stucked at the romantic encounter part and never got any farther! Hahahah! Sadly, I can't escape the last 2 parts either. You may ask, What are you trying to say here ???

Okay.. back to my topic (hehehe!) What drives you? Your career ? Your love pursuits? Money? Property? Sex? Some will say.. `Everything!' It may be true to a certain extent but if you look at it carefully, what really really drives you ?

Yes, all of us are pursuing multiple goals all at the same time, but look deeper inside, what really really drives you? For some people, it's money. Everything they do, it all traces back to getting more money. Marry a rich girl, work harder, invest in properties.... the list goes on as long as they get more money.

And for some, it's about their attractiveness. Trust me, it's a powerful driving force, a multi-billion dollar business. Some people work hard to get more money so that they can buy nice shoes and designer clothes, do facials and workout at the gyms, take vitamins, supplements and so on and so forth.

For another group of people, it's about pride. More titles, more power, more money, bigger houses, fancy cars.... doesn't matter if they look shitty, as long as they get to brag about whatever they have.

Now I look at myself, and say, `OMG !!! You are so pathetic!' You don't even have a valid driving force ! You just let your life drift to wherever it takes you! And half the time you are drunk in your own fantasies of romance.... of meeting your soulmate and living happily ever after. That's all you've got to show? After all these years ???

Wow... what a wake-up call ! To wake up and realise that you are such a loser in life..... Desperate to make myself feel better, I rummaged through whatever I have achieved in my life, put them together and alas! It's not a mountain, not even a hill of achievements... just a mere heap of lost causes, strangled by lots of excuses.

I felt confused and vulnerable. The realisation that I have not done justice to myself... all the time, telling myself that, this is as good as it gets.... and even started to believe it. What am I going to do ???

Like a man drowning at sea, my mind scrambled to find something safe to hang on to. But it seemed like there's nothing substantial... all seemed so petty... every single goal I've had for myself sank under the weight of my desperate need for a trophy in my life. Nope, no trophies for me.

Hmmmm... is it too late to start over? Better late than never, I consoled myself. Now, let me see.... what should I choose to drive me? Money? Power? Looks? (Ooops! Too late for that! Ain't gonna happen!) Soulmate? (Again? You have not learnt your lesson? Go jump from the top of the twin towers if you choose that one again! Yes, any of the towers, they are of the same height!)

Maybe I need a bit more time to see what really really could drive me and make me happy. That's it !!! Happiness !!! Happiness should be my driving force! But where do I start ? Hmm... this is going to take a lot more time than I anticipated....

Well, in the mean time, what about you guys ? What really drives you ??? Do tell me.....

The Things People Do.... for a Pretty Face ???

Yes.... we all fall for it.... Pretty faces. I was chatting with an internet friend just now and she told me that she has a boyfriend. Somehow, the chat seemed weird cos she just stopped short after she told me he's outstation. Being in a busybody mood, I pressed on and she finally admitted that he has another girlfriend outstation. I was like, `Huh ??? And you are not jealous ? You still love him ?' She said, `Yes.... cos he's very handsome.'

I asked her again, `Ermmm..... anything to go with that?' She said, `No, he's handsome, that's all that matters' I couldn't believe what I was hearing! This is so unfair !!!! Good looking people can get away with anything !!!

I supposed it's a choice that we all have to make for ourselves... like the movie `To Wong Foo'..... `style or substance?' I remember telling my sister the night before her wedding, `You are so smart! What a good choice of a husband!' She beamed with happiness and asked,`Really ? You think I made the right choice ?'

I smiled and told her, `You chose a husband you are sure no one will steal from you!' At first, she look confused, then when it finally dawned on her what I meant, she jumped on me and screamed, `Wow! You are so mean!' I just laughed uncontrollably. True enough, they are still happily married until today with two lovely daughters.

Then there were cases where a friend who has a handsome boyfriend and barely months into engagement, came a third party. A third party who knew he was already engaged but went all out to get that guy, and got him.

I thought about all these things..... somehow, I personally think, it all boils down to moral values and family upbringing. The sense of righteousness and sentivity to other people's feelings seem to be seriously lacking these days.

It's all about survival of the fittest... and in the case, who's the prettiest. If I can steal your boyfriend from right under your nose, it means that I am prettier or better at sex or both. And that is the only value that is important to these people. Doesn't matter if it's the wrong thing to do, doesn't matter if it hurts other people, doesn't matter if it's breaking rules, doesn't even matter if I have to resort to black magic.... what matters is the I feel superior and more beautiful and more capable of getting the guys I want, that's all that matters. Of course, after she got him purring like a kitten under her arms... she dumped him for another guy!!! New and more challenging project!

And it's all happening around us..... rampantly. I personally know of so many cases... come to think of it, it's really scary! Newly-weds.... 6 months into the marriage, the wife gets pregnant and the husband gets a new girlfriend. I have personally witnessed so many cases in the past 1 year. And the best part is, the new girlfriends are fully aware that the guy is married and that his wife is pregnant!

The solution ? Well, sorry, no solutions for this predicament.... that's why my topic for this post.... Pretty faces or not ? What would you do for a pretty face ? Would you risk losing your handsome husband when you are pregnant ? Or lose your beautiful wife if you are not man enough (in terms of wealth, virility, looks, etc) ? Or would choose not to have a pretty face and go for substance instead ?

Someone might say, `Oh that's not fair.... having a handsome husband or a pretty wife doesn't mean you will lose them, not all good looking people are like that!' Yes, that is true... maybe not all good looking people are like that... but only problem is, many people want them, no matter what the cost!


What do you guys think ???? Again, back to my question, Pretty face or not ??? And what would you willingly sacrifice for having a pretty looking partner ???

Does True Love Exist ?

Someone asked me two weeks ago...`Do you really think you can find true love?' The first thing that came to my mind was, `Well, it's a remote possiblity, but hey, you'll never know... I might just get lucky and find my true love'. I didn't bother to answer that guy cos I think he was bordering on being nasty for the rest of message.

I just shrugged it off and told myself, `Huh, another bitter person disappointed in love, better not let him make me lose hope'. Somehow, at the back of my mind, it kept nagging me. How do we find our true love ? Out of the millions of people, out of the many many factors affecting our lives, how do we find our true love in this crazy mess ? It seems pretty hopeless. Maybe that guy is right, it's an impossible feat.

How come some people got so lucky ? How come some people found their true love and live together until `death do us part'? At that time... all seemed hopeless and I m getting older by the seconds! Less and less opportunity in an already hopeless situation... I was going to press the panic button.

Then I told myself...`Oh, never mind, if I can't find it then at the end of the day, I can tell myself, I tried but I didn't succeed' But that self-assurance didn't quite satisfy me and I am the type who won't rest until I get a satisfactory answer. But hey, who am I ? For hundreds of years so many people have been talking about the same thing and no one seems to know the answer. And I want a satisfactory answer in a matter of days ? Hmmm.... silly me! And really silly of me to allow such a question ruffle me up like that. So I decided to meditate to dissolve all the negative feelings.

I learnt that meditating helps us to calm down but more recently I realised , it also helps me to get the answers I was seeking. So, while meditating one night, came the `light'... hehehe! There it was, plain as day.... the answer I was searching!

True Love is not for us to find !!! Oh gosh !!! That's why so many of us who are looking for it can never find it.... oh my! We have been going at it all the wrong ways. We hope to find true love, all packaged and ready to eat.... just pop it into the microwave and you can have true love... much like our food these days. And no matter how hard we tried, we can never find it. Somehow Mr. Right or Miss Right never seem to arrive. Sometimes too late but mostly, almost never.


I realised true love, is something that needs to be nurtured by two persons. Something that has to grow from a relationship between two persons. And the best part is, it doesn't have to be Mr. or Miss Right. It's never there for you to find, but you can develop true love together with time and effort.

The ingredients ? The ups and downs, the fights and tender moments, the sacrifices and rewards, the patience and understanding, the communications and misunderstandings... all rolled into one.

After a while, something beautiful blossoms... that is true love. Love without terms and conditions, love without borders... love which you know will always stay with you forever. That is true love.

What seems to be the problem ?

Here I am.... in the middle of the night...alone. Still trying to figure out what I am feeling. Feeling a bit vulnerable... a bit sad yet hopeful...okay, okay... it's mostly, depression.

I thought things have been going fine for me. By the way, I joined a gym about 2 months ago. Gosh.. how time flies, it's almost 2 months and I am still struggling.... hahahaha! No, I don't want to get all positive and hopeful tonight... I want to bask in self-pity and depression.

I met someone recently and things looked bright and I felt happy, really happy....something I have not felt for a long long time. But alas.. as fate would have it, the happiness lasted only a few days. At first, I told myself... well, it just got started and I am an old fox with lots of experience, no worries, I will be over it in a matter of hours.

I went home and went about my things... and while preparing flowers for prayers and listening to some sentimental songs... I broke down. I surprised even myself! And it wasn't the `tears gently flowing' kinda crying. It was the `all hell-broke-lose kind of uncontrollable wailing!!!' I was heart-broken.

Funny thing is.... it felt good after that. I did it again before sleeping and again when I woke the next morning. Of course, I was punished with eyebags that could store 30kg of rice. Normally, my eyebags could only store 5-10kg... depending on how well I slept. Of course, they do get bigger as I age but this one took the cake.

Then I asked myself, `Hello... what's wrong with you ? Small thing like that and you cry like a baby ? Shame on you!' You are supposed to be a tough guy. I wasn't sure anymore. I gave it a long thought ... it was not so much of a relationship that didn't work. Because I asked myself, `If it could be reversed, would I want it back?' My answer was a clear, `No'

Then what was it ? Finally, I got the answer, it was more of... `how come nothing works?' I looked at myself ... at how hard I have tried at everything and at how many times I have failed. And at the countless times, I have convinced myself to pull myself together again, but only to face another wall that never fails to come crashing in on me.

I looked at myself like a third party and felt real pity and sympathy for myself. How much more could I take ? I felt really helpless at that time, I lost all zest. At that time, I told my imaginary enemies, `Okay, you guys win... do your worst and be done with it. I won't fight back.' Tears started flowing again. Yeay!! Another one bites the dust!

I prayed for guidance, for a way out of my rut. I didn't want to hear the `you are better off than many people' crap or things will be better soon. I have been telling myself that for far too many times whenever I needed to pull myself together, which is ever so often. I needed something new.

Sadly, so far, it's silence. No answers, no replies... no wise words from anyone. Maybe there's nothing new to say. I have come up with so many justifications for all times I have failed that this time, I have been cornered.

Nope. Not curses, not spiritual interferences, not bad people, not past-life bad karma, not carelessness on my part, not inefficiency, not I-am-not-good-enough, not I am not rich enough, not I am not good-looking enough, not I didn't try hard enough, not bad luck... not anything. Just plain `it just happened'.. by chance.

So, I will go about my daily routine.... and as usual, eventually, I will pick myself up again. And again, hoping that fate will be kinder to me....

Still, at the back of my mind, there's a nagging thought `What ? By chance ? So many times? And to the same person ??? Hmmmm....'

What do you guys think ?