What counts?

It's been months since my last entry.... gosh! I have been thinking about what to write. So many things to write about and yet so few that are worth writing about. Lately I have been riding on an emotional roller-coster. One day I would be happy and ready to take on the world. And the very next day, I would fall into a deep depression that lasted for days.. usually about 2-3 days. Then I would be back again. So, on the average (yes, I have a thing for statistics).. I would have been happy for 2 days in a week and depressed for 6 days. Which means, on the average, I am only happy 25% of the time.

I tried to analyse myself. Why? Usually it would be something small that triggered me off. Then it would snowball into something bigger. And while I was at it, might as well dig out all the unhappiness of this lifetime... and there you have it. Titanic-sized ship of frustration sinking into the depths of depression.

Maybe that's why the movie was so successful.... somehow people could relate to all the hopes and dreams of so many people plunging into the deep sea....just like me, drowning under the weight of my own misery.

Time and again, I forget the lessons I've learnt from my meditation. Letting go. What has happened has already happened, so, let it go and stop whining about it! Stop burdening yourself with all those bad memories and past unhappiness. Throw the baggage away... I tried. But somehow, these things have a way of creeping back onto you when you are down. And to make things worse, they're like rats, breeding at high speed... new bad things keep happening. Then you tell yourself, Oh shit... who am I fooling? Does this make any sense to you guys?

Also, perhaps, I don't seem to get what I want. Then I told myself. I'd rather be happy with what I have than to be sad over what I can't get. Bullshit! Wake-up bro! Reminds me of the song, Desperado. `And it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you always want the things, that you can't have..Desperado why don't you come to your senses?'

I know I know.. some people will think... look at the beggar, look at the man with no legs... etc.... and feel lucky. Oh no, I don't want to do that. Not at the expense of the less fortunate anyway. I think... anyone in any situation, would be unhappy about something. Rich people worry about their business, status or kids. Poor people worry about money. Average people like me worry about everything else!

Thus, proving the theory about nothingness. When you have absolutely nothing at all, you have nothing to worry about, nothing to be sad over, nothing to lose and nothing to be afraid of. But most of us won't have the courage to do that... I mean, like, throw everything away to experience eternal bliss? That's a really really huge step...that's epic for me. That's why I have absolute respect and admiration for the Buddhist monks.

Last night, I watched a locally-made ghost movie with Tim.  It was a trying effort.  They wanted to tell a few stories at the same time and the movie became really choppy.  We had to keep track of it... it was mind-boggling!  Oh.. this is the uncle story.. oh, this is the stupid comedy part... oh, this is the screaming girl.  Anyway... to continue with my story, about letting go.  In that movie, they told two stories about old people losing their very handsome sons...hehe!  Yes, of course they had to be handsome, otherwise, it would hard to sympathise with the parents...hehe!

Seriously, it would have been harder for the parents, handsome or not.  I guess, sometimes, some things, are very hard to let go.  People whom we have loved for such a long time.  But how do we deal with it?  I guess it takes time for the wounds to heal but the pain and the longing remain.  That's the price we pay for loving someone dearly.  The only consolation we have is that, for as long as we shall live, they live in our hearts too!  And that's all the counts.......