Who is `ME'???

Have you ever had one of those moments where all the pieces of puzzles just fall into place and suddenly everything seems so clear? You know, those rare realisation moments where you suddenly see the light? No, I’m not dead yet… not that kind of `light’! Hehe!

It’s the kind that makes you laugh at your foolishness and make you feel really good. The kind that happens.. urmm….like once in 10-20 years? The last time I’ve had that kind of moment was when I realised Boy George was really a boy ! Or, was it when I went to my first `clubbing’ session? Oh well, never mind! I  had one of those moments a few days ago.

 It was late at night after gym and I was watering my plants while listening to some `power songs’, leftovers from my quick gym session. I find it really energising to listen to those songs while carrying heavy weights, they seem to make me more energetic. Anyway, while Lady Gaga was blasting away about being made perfect, it came to me! Gosh!!! All those years of self-loathing and she (Lady Gaga) turned everything around in just one song!

As a kid, I was made to think that I was not good enough. My family love me unconditionally but I have 6 sisters and a brother. So you can imagine the kind of influence my sisters had on me. Yes, I was a softie. My neighbours and relatives spared no expense at teasing me, saying cruel things and making a mockery out of me. In fact, some of them are still at it, till today! To a certain extent, I pity my family, who had had to put up with the shame of having such a weirdo as part of the family. They have never said anything until today but I have to bear the burden of guilt.

School was worse. Kids can be really mean. Even my best friends couldn’t help themselves. I lived in fear. Not fear for my safety but fear for when the next acidic remark was coming my way. You'd think that you'd get immuned to such bullying when you had had to face it everyday, but no, it never got easier.

 As I got older, the bullying lessened. Lessened but not gone. To prevent any further harassment, I had to `blend’ into society. Behave like a `normal’ person. I felt sad for myself. Sad because society has no place for a misfit like me. I lost my self… and my self-worth. I felt like I was not worthy of a place in society. I wanted to dig a hole and just die in it. Leave me alone! And go on your happy ways of being `one-of-crowd’!  Just leave me alone!

Some relatives even went to the extend of asking me, `Why can’t you be like everyone else? Go find a girlfriend, get married and have children like everyone else! What’s wrong with you?’ Yes, these are the very same people who have not given up after all these years of harassing me. At least until they are dead! Ooops, evil me! Hehehe!

Then Lady Gaga changed everything! All those years of self-loathing….. why can’t I be like this or like that? Why am I born like this, why am I born like that….I've tried and tried to analyse, find excuses, find justification, schemed escape plans for personal attacks…..I told myself, maybe I’ve done a lot of bad things in my previous life and I’m being punished in this lifetime by being such a weirdo, by being short and ugly, by being poor, by having bad luck, etc. But, I never gave up. I thought, okay, in spite of all these punishments, I will have to make the extra effort to counteract all these `disadvantages’. And thus, began a lifetime of uphill battles.

Then suddenly, Lady Gaga said, It’s okay, God makes no mistakes. Be who you are cos you are born this way??? OMG !!! I was a bit confused at first but thrilled nevertheless. All these years … all those mean people who made every effort to put me down…were WRONG??? Wow! It’s okay to be ME !!! Wow! Wow! Wow! But..... who is ME???

Okay, okay… calm down! Don’t get overly excited! Now, let’s be very analytical and factual about the whole situation. Let’s see. All those years of being paranoid did pay off, in a way. I have been much much more hardworking than most of my peers in making myself `maintained’ and to provide for myself… now that’s a plus. And all those `escape rebuttals’ could still come in handy but this time, it’s gonna be ‘straight-in-the-face get the F--- outta my sight’ kind.

Then there’s the new identity I need to address. Woah, this is exciting…now, I shall embark on a journey, to rediscover myself!!! And then, I can tell the world … This is who I am, deal with it !!!