Do you know where you're going to ?

Tim asked the other day, `Anything new on your blog?’ I answered, `Nothing.’ He asked, `Why?’ I told him, `I have nothing to write about’ `Writer’s block?’`No, not even that… nothing’s happening in my life worth writing about’ `Oh…..’

Then I got to thinking. So, it’s my routine…. Wake-up, breakfast & vitamins(lots), work, lunch, work, stress (lots), then gym, then eat, then TV, internet and finally, sleep. The next day, it’s the same thing all over again. I am getting to be a very boring person. The occasional days which Tim dropped by were the `exciting’ days….eating out and complaining about my life. Or cooking something nice and still complaining about my life. Ooooh.. did I mention complaining about my life, twice? Yeah, I did.

I remember the joke…. `Life sucks and the partner doesn’t!’ Heheheh! I am leading a very mundane life, almost like a retired person. This is soooo not me. I never liked routines, chores and schedules. I enjoyed the unpredictability in life and the excitement of spontaneity. Just spur of the moment, pick up and go. An occasional impulse shopping spree or pack and go holiday. Routine? Get outta here! But I guess I learnt the hard way, that there is some truth in the saying about `rolling stones will not gather any moss’. Thus, the justification for my routine boring life these days.

Then I pondered upon the ever big question, what is life to you? What do want to get out of it? Hmm… this reminds me of the lyrics of a Diana Ross song, `Do you know, where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you ? Where are you going to? Do you know? Do you get what you’re hoping for? When you look behind you there’s no open door? What are you hoping for? Do you know?’

And then it goes on to say… `We’ve let so many dreams just slip through our hands. Why must we wait so long, before we see, how sad the answers to those questions can be?’ Story of my life. I guess I just feel so beaten and so defeated for being ambitious. All of us are, to a certain extent.

When we were young, we felt like the world was our playground , all for us to conquer. Then came the `bad guys’, fate, many many strokes of bad luck… each lesson more bitter than the one before.. each beating more vicious……until today. I feel like a wild horse, whipped into compliance, broken into and tamed … and resigned to a humble existence that would not threaten anyone. I suppose I would eventually fade into oblivion and no one would even remember I existed….what a bleak future I am facing.

Some say, to let it go. It’s bad karma to feel vengeful. Accept your fate and move on. Treat it as a lesson. A lesson? To be what? To be a pushover? To be a timid harmless guy with no ambitions? To kowtow and worship all those nasty people like Gods, for fear of their wrath?

I recently realized, that it’s not anger nor hatred. It’s the surges of energy within my very soul that refuses to be tied down and repressed. I don’t want to be what other people think I should be and I can’t allow myself to be forcibly moulded according to the whims and fancies of the rich and powerful people. People who have used extreme and evil methods, I assure you. I want to be what I want to be.

They won and I fell. And I was wounded….in more ways than one. Never in my wildest dreams would I have anticipated what I had had to face. Well, I am licking my wounds now. Soon, I will not be singing a song of defeat. I will pick myself up again, this time, wiser and stronger. Maybe it is a lesson afterall. But it’s not a lesson to be a pushover. It’s a lesson to be extremely well-prepared. So I lost my fight. No big deal. For those obnoxious people, who gave me hell, make sure you are prepared for what you are about to face!

And I thank all my friends who stood by me, thick and thin. Really love you guys! So, here’s another Diana Ross song that I am singing now…..

Don’t lose your way, with each passing day,
You’ve come so far, don’t throw it away….
Live believing, dreams are for weaving..
Wonders are waiting to start…
Live your story, faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth, in your heart

If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die…….

….. seek out a star, and hold on to the end.

So, guys, don’t ever, ever let anyone tell you or beat you into giving up your dreams. Hold on to it, till the end!