What seems to be the problem ?

Here I am.... in the middle of the night...alone. Still trying to figure out what I am feeling. Feeling a bit vulnerable... a bit sad yet hopeful...okay, okay... it's mostly, depression.

I thought things have been going fine for me. By the way, I joined a gym about 2 months ago. Gosh.. how time flies, it's almost 2 months and I am still struggling.... hahahaha! No, I don't want to get all positive and hopeful tonight... I want to bask in self-pity and depression.

I met someone recently and things looked bright and I felt happy, really happy....something I have not felt for a long long time. But alas.. as fate would have it, the happiness lasted only a few days. At first, I told myself... well, it just got started and I am an old fox with lots of experience, no worries, I will be over it in a matter of hours.

I went home and went about my things... and while preparing flowers for prayers and listening to some sentimental songs... I broke down. I surprised even myself! And it wasn't the `tears gently flowing' kinda crying. It was the `all hell-broke-lose kind of uncontrollable wailing!!!' I was heart-broken.

Funny thing is.... it felt good after that. I did it again before sleeping and again when I woke the next morning. Of course, I was punished with eyebags that could store 30kg of rice. Normally, my eyebags could only store 5-10kg... depending on how well I slept. Of course, they do get bigger as I age but this one took the cake.

Then I asked myself, `Hello... what's wrong with you ? Small thing like that and you cry like a baby ? Shame on you!' You are supposed to be a tough guy. I wasn't sure anymore. I gave it a long thought ... it was not so much of a relationship that didn't work. Because I asked myself, `If it could be reversed, would I want it back?' My answer was a clear, `No'

Then what was it ? Finally, I got the answer, it was more of... `how come nothing works?' I looked at myself ... at how hard I have tried at everything and at how many times I have failed. And at the countless times, I have convinced myself to pull myself together again, but only to face another wall that never fails to come crashing in on me.

I looked at myself like a third party and felt real pity and sympathy for myself. How much more could I take ? I felt really helpless at that time, I lost all zest. At that time, I told my imaginary enemies, `Okay, you guys win... do your worst and be done with it. I won't fight back.' Tears started flowing again. Yeay!! Another one bites the dust!

I prayed for guidance, for a way out of my rut. I didn't want to hear the `you are better off than many people' crap or things will be better soon. I have been telling myself that for far too many times whenever I needed to pull myself together, which is ever so often. I needed something new.

Sadly, so far, it's silence. No answers, no replies... no wise words from anyone. Maybe there's nothing new to say. I have come up with so many justifications for all times I have failed that this time, I have been cornered.

Nope. Not curses, not spiritual interferences, not bad people, not past-life bad karma, not carelessness on my part, not inefficiency, not I-am-not-good-enough, not I am not rich enough, not I am not good-looking enough, not I didn't try hard enough, not bad luck... not anything. Just plain `it just happened'.. by chance.

So, I will go about my daily routine.... and as usual, eventually, I will pick myself up again. And again, hoping that fate will be kinder to me....

Still, at the back of my mind, there's a nagging thought `What ? By chance ? So many times? And to the same person ??? Hmmmm....'

What do you guys think ?