Tim asked the other day, `Anything new on your blog?’ I answered, `Nothing.’ He asked, `Why?’ I told him, `I have nothing to write about’ `Writer’s block?’`No, not even that… nothing’s happening in my life worth writing about’ `Oh…..’
Then I got to thinking. So, it’s my routine…. Wake-up, breakfast & vitamins(lots), work, lunch, work, stress (lots), then gym, then eat, then TV, internet and finally, sleep. The next day, it’s the same thing all over again. I am getting to be a very boring person. The occasional days which Tim dropped by were the `exciting’ days….eating out and complaining about my life. Or cooking something nice and still complaining about my life. Ooooh.. did I mention complaining about my life, twice? Yeah, I did.
I remember the joke…. `Life sucks and the partner doesn’t!’ Heheheh! I am leading a very mundane life, almost like a retired person. This is soooo not me. I never liked routines, chores and schedules. I enjoyed the unpredictability in life and the excitement of spontaneity. Just spur of the moment, pick up and go. An occasional impulse shopping spree or pack and go holiday. Routine? Get outta here! But I guess I learnt the hard way, that there is some truth in the saying about `rolling stones will not gather any moss’. Thus, the justification for my routine boring life these days.
Then I pondered upon the ever big question, what is life to you? What do want to get out of it? Hmm… this reminds me of the lyrics of a Diana Ross song, `Do you know, where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you ? Where are you going to? Do you know? Do you get what you’re hoping for? When you look behind you there’s no open door? What are you hoping for? Do you know?’
And then it goes on to say… `We’ve let so many dreams just slip through our hands. Why must we wait so long, before we see, how sad the answers to those questions can be?’ Story of my life. I guess I just feel so beaten and so defeated for being ambitious. All of us are, to a certain extent.
When we were young, we felt like the world was our playground , all for us to conquer. Then came the `bad guys’, fate, many many strokes of bad luck… each lesson more bitter than the one before.. each beating more vicious……until today. I feel like a wild horse, whipped into compliance, broken into and tamed … and resigned to a humble existence that would not threaten anyone. I suppose I would eventually fade into oblivion and no one would even remember I existed….what a bleak future I am facing.
Some say, to let it go. It’s bad karma to feel vengeful. Accept your fate and move on. Treat it as a lesson. A lesson? To be what? To be a pushover? To be a timid harmless guy with no ambitions? To kowtow and worship all those nasty people like Gods, for fear of their wrath?
I recently realized, that it’s not anger nor hatred. It’s the surges of energy within my very soul that refuses to be tied down and repressed. I don’t want to be what other people think I should be and I can’t allow myself to be forcibly moulded according to the whims and fancies of the rich and powerful people. People who have used extreme and evil methods, I assure you. I want to be what I want to be.
They won and I fell. And I was wounded….in more ways than one. Never in my wildest dreams would I have anticipated what I had had to face. Well, I am licking my wounds now. Soon, I will not be singing a song of defeat. I will pick myself up again, this time, wiser and stronger. Maybe it is a lesson afterall. But it’s not a lesson to be a pushover. It’s a lesson to be extremely well-prepared. So I lost my fight. No big deal. For those obnoxious people, who gave me hell, make sure you are prepared for what you are about to face!
And I thank all my friends who stood by me, thick and thin. Really love you guys! So, here’s another Diana Ross song that I am singing now…..
Don’t lose your way, with each passing day,
You’ve come so far, don’t throw it away….
Live believing, dreams are for weaving..
Wonders are waiting to start…
Live your story, faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth, in your heart
If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die…….
….. seek out a star, and hold on to the end.
So, guys, don’t ever, ever let anyone tell you or beat you into giving up your dreams. Hold on to it, till the end!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
When the sun sets on you.....
Yesterday, my friend, Tim and I went out for lunch. While driving in my neighborhood, we saw a house up for sale. Tim told me that he was looking for a house and we decided to call the number. The owner wanted to sell it for RM400,000.00. Wow ! Didn’t know the houses in my area could command such a high price! Anyway, after some haggling, he told us that the price was negotiable. I asked Tim, `Why do you need another house? You already have one that’s worth close to a million ringgit. ‘ He told me that it was his father’s house, shared by his siblings. He wanted something for himself, for old age.
I didn’t like the direction which our conversation was going… the old age direction. But we joked about having friends live together, all old and senile and at least, having some company. And we left it at that. But, that thought kept gnawing at the back of my mind. Something I don’t want to think about .. although the reality is, it’s something I have to face up to, one day, and all too soon. Fine, bring it on!
Ok, let’s say, we all have children. The ideal picture would be, having our children, children-in-laws, grandchildren…all happy and doing everything together! So many happy faces! Wow, that would be great! Sadly, that only happens in HK soap-operas and only at the series finale. Now, reality check. How many of us want to live with our parents these days, married or not ? Some still do… free accommodation, free meals, free baby-sitter. Of course, after a while, usually the wife will insist on moving out after she realizes that her mother-in-law still dotes on her son. In the end, it’s an empty nest, no matter how many children you have.
Just last week, an old man who just got checked out of a hospital, travelled 300 miles to meet his son. Haiz…the things we do for our children……. A few hours after the meeting the father, the son drove him to a place of worship and just abandoned him there. OMG !
Okay, okay… this article is not about being filial, we’ll deal with that another time. Sometimes, I look at some old people. Feeble, weak .. nevertheless, always a kind smile. They used to be `someone’. He used to be a breadwinner, she used to mrs. multi-tasker in the house or a super sales agent or high ranking officer or nurse.
Time can be cruel sometimes… fading out all our accomplishments. Now we are just old, senile and weak…no matter what we were before that.
How do you deal with that? How do we grow old with dignity? A lot of our younger generation do not know how to respect people who are older than them. They think too highly of themselves and they think that being rebellious and sarcastic is equivalent to being smart and quick witted. I encountered one such rascal last year. I was chatting in a common chatroom and I saw this guy scolding another guy. `You are old and useless, you shouldn’t be chatting here. You should just get ready to die gracefully. Old! Old! Old! Bloody old goose! Gosh… I wouldn’t want to be that old!’ The other guy just kept quiet, defeated by something he couldn’t help, old age.
When I see stupidity of such epic proportions, my evil twin breaks out in fury. Fighting my rage , I calmly asked the boy, `So, how old is old ?’ He said, `Anyone above 35yo is old.’ I continued, `And you don’t want to grow old?’ He answered, `Of course, I m still young.’ Then I answered him, much to the surprise and amusement of the whole chatroom, `Yes, it’s quite obvious that you are still very very young, especially in the way you think. But let’s make your wish come true. Let us all pray, day and night, all year round…to all the Gods of all of the religions, that you may never grow older than 35. Not a day, a minute or a second older than 35 years of age.’ Then, obviously confused, he asked, `So what happens after that?’. Gotcha! Then, like triumphant wicked witch, I laughed sinisterly and proclaimed, `Hahahahaha! My dear boy, like it or not, you die!’ The whole chatroom cheered !
In retrospect, I realized, I was this vicious because, I too am older than 35 years. I guess he must have pressed all the right buttons to trigger me off like that. You don’t have to tell me I am old, I know I am old, so mind your own business and back off! I didn’t see that one coming though. Some people may view my reaction to it as being immature, but I think otherwise. Being matured doesn’t mean you have to sit around and allow others to punch and kick you till you are almost dead before you react, nature is already doing a great job at the dying part. And I have done my fair share of walking away. Some people just can’t be educated, when you tread on dangerous grounds, be prepared for the worse. I mean, as it is, we have to deal with failing health, slowing metabolism, wrinkles, falling teeth, aching joints, cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc, etc… and still have to put up with insolent foul-mouthed guys like this? No way!
I used to always feel like the victim…. Perpetually in the victim mode, but no more. Now, I am the predator, the aggressor. Come old age or smartass idiots, I will fight them off with no mercy. Or maybe I will learn to be more subtle, less ruthless and kinder… hehehe! May we all have the strength, health and wisdom to live through our sunset days…….with happiness, serenity and meditative composure. Here’s something which I learnt from my meditation :
All our lives, we have strived for.....
Wealth & Ownership
Beauty & Pleasures
Fame & Power
And yet, in the end, what we truly own… is our karma.
I didn’t like the direction which our conversation was going… the old age direction. But we joked about having friends live together, all old and senile and at least, having some company. And we left it at that. But, that thought kept gnawing at the back of my mind. Something I don’t want to think about .. although the reality is, it’s something I have to face up to, one day, and all too soon. Fine, bring it on!
Ok, let’s say, we all have children. The ideal picture would be, having our children, children-in-laws, grandchildren…all happy and doing everything together! So many happy faces! Wow, that would be great! Sadly, that only happens in HK soap-operas and only at the series finale. Now, reality check. How many of us want to live with our parents these days, married or not ? Some still do… free accommodation, free meals, free baby-sitter. Of course, after a while, usually the wife will insist on moving out after she realizes that her mother-in-law still dotes on her son. In the end, it’s an empty nest, no matter how many children you have.
Just last week, an old man who just got checked out of a hospital, travelled 300 miles to meet his son. Haiz…the things we do for our children……. A few hours after the meeting the father, the son drove him to a place of worship and just abandoned him there. OMG !
Okay, okay… this article is not about being filial, we’ll deal with that another time. Sometimes, I look at some old people. Feeble, weak .. nevertheless, always a kind smile. They used to be `someone’. He used to be a breadwinner, she used to mrs. multi-tasker in the house or a super sales agent or high ranking officer or nurse.
Time can be cruel sometimes… fading out all our accomplishments. Now we are just old, senile and weak…no matter what we were before that.
How do you deal with that? How do we grow old with dignity? A lot of our younger generation do not know how to respect people who are older than them. They think too highly of themselves and they think that being rebellious and sarcastic is equivalent to being smart and quick witted. I encountered one such rascal last year. I was chatting in a common chatroom and I saw this guy scolding another guy. `You are old and useless, you shouldn’t be chatting here. You should just get ready to die gracefully. Old! Old! Old! Bloody old goose! Gosh… I wouldn’t want to be that old!’ The other guy just kept quiet, defeated by something he couldn’t help, old age.
When I see stupidity of such epic proportions, my evil twin breaks out in fury. Fighting my rage , I calmly asked the boy, `So, how old is old ?’ He said, `Anyone above 35yo is old.’ I continued, `And you don’t want to grow old?’ He answered, `Of course, I m still young.’ Then I answered him, much to the surprise and amusement of the whole chatroom, `Yes, it’s quite obvious that you are still very very young, especially in the way you think. But let’s make your wish come true. Let us all pray, day and night, all year round…to all the Gods of all of the religions, that you may never grow older than 35. Not a day, a minute or a second older than 35 years of age.’ Then, obviously confused, he asked, `So what happens after that?’. Gotcha! Then, like triumphant wicked witch, I laughed sinisterly and proclaimed, `Hahahahaha! My dear boy, like it or not, you die!’ The whole chatroom cheered !
In retrospect, I realized, I was this vicious because, I too am older than 35 years. I guess he must have pressed all the right buttons to trigger me off like that. You don’t have to tell me I am old, I know I am old, so mind your own business and back off! I didn’t see that one coming though. Some people may view my reaction to it as being immature, but I think otherwise. Being matured doesn’t mean you have to sit around and allow others to punch and kick you till you are almost dead before you react, nature is already doing a great job at the dying part. And I have done my fair share of walking away. Some people just can’t be educated, when you tread on dangerous grounds, be prepared for the worse. I mean, as it is, we have to deal with failing health, slowing metabolism, wrinkles, falling teeth, aching joints, cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc, etc… and still have to put up with insolent foul-mouthed guys like this? No way!
I used to always feel like the victim…. Perpetually in the victim mode, but no more. Now, I am the predator, the aggressor. Come old age or smartass idiots, I will fight them off with no mercy. Or maybe I will learn to be more subtle, less ruthless and kinder… hehehe! May we all have the strength, health and wisdom to live through our sunset days…….with happiness, serenity and meditative composure. Here’s something which I learnt from my meditation :
All our lives, we have strived for.....
Wealth & Ownership
Beauty & Pleasures
Fame & Power
And yet, in the end, what we truly own… is our karma.
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