Who is `ME'???

Have you ever had one of those moments where all the pieces of puzzles just fall into place and suddenly everything seems so clear? You know, those rare realisation moments where you suddenly see the light? No, I’m not dead yet… not that kind of `light’! Hehe!

It’s the kind that makes you laugh at your foolishness and make you feel really good. The kind that happens.. urmm….like once in 10-20 years? The last time I’ve had that kind of moment was when I realised Boy George was really a boy ! Or, was it when I went to my first `clubbing’ session? Oh well, never mind! I  had one of those moments a few days ago.

 It was late at night after gym and I was watering my plants while listening to some `power songs’, leftovers from my quick gym session. I find it really energising to listen to those songs while carrying heavy weights, they seem to make me more energetic. Anyway, while Lady Gaga was blasting away about being made perfect, it came to me! Gosh!!! All those years of self-loathing and she (Lady Gaga) turned everything around in just one song!

As a kid, I was made to think that I was not good enough. My family love me unconditionally but I have 6 sisters and a brother. So you can imagine the kind of influence my sisters had on me. Yes, I was a softie. My neighbours and relatives spared no expense at teasing me, saying cruel things and making a mockery out of me. In fact, some of them are still at it, till today! To a certain extent, I pity my family, who had had to put up with the shame of having such a weirdo as part of the family. They have never said anything until today but I have to bear the burden of guilt.

School was worse. Kids can be really mean. Even my best friends couldn’t help themselves. I lived in fear. Not fear for my safety but fear for when the next acidic remark was coming my way. You'd think that you'd get immuned to such bullying when you had had to face it everyday, but no, it never got easier.

 As I got older, the bullying lessened. Lessened but not gone. To prevent any further harassment, I had to `blend’ into society. Behave like a `normal’ person. I felt sad for myself. Sad because society has no place for a misfit like me. I lost my self… and my self-worth. I felt like I was not worthy of a place in society. I wanted to dig a hole and just die in it. Leave me alone! And go on your happy ways of being `one-of-crowd’!  Just leave me alone!

Some relatives even went to the extend of asking me, `Why can’t you be like everyone else? Go find a girlfriend, get married and have children like everyone else! What’s wrong with you?’ Yes, these are the very same people who have not given up after all these years of harassing me. At least until they are dead! Ooops, evil me! Hehehe!

Then Lady Gaga changed everything! All those years of self-loathing….. why can’t I be like this or like that? Why am I born like this, why am I born like that….I've tried and tried to analyse, find excuses, find justification, schemed escape plans for personal attacks…..I told myself, maybe I’ve done a lot of bad things in my previous life and I’m being punished in this lifetime by being such a weirdo, by being short and ugly, by being poor, by having bad luck, etc. But, I never gave up. I thought, okay, in spite of all these punishments, I will have to make the extra effort to counteract all these `disadvantages’. And thus, began a lifetime of uphill battles.

Then suddenly, Lady Gaga said, It’s okay, God makes no mistakes. Be who you are cos you are born this way??? OMG !!! I was a bit confused at first but thrilled nevertheless. All these years … all those mean people who made every effort to put me down…were WRONG??? Wow! It’s okay to be ME !!! Wow! Wow! Wow! But..... who is ME???

Okay, okay… calm down! Don’t get overly excited! Now, let’s be very analytical and factual about the whole situation. Let’s see. All those years of being paranoid did pay off, in a way. I have been much much more hardworking than most of my peers in making myself `maintained’ and to provide for myself… now that’s a plus. And all those `escape rebuttals’ could still come in handy but this time, it’s gonna be ‘straight-in-the-face get the F--- outta my sight’ kind.

Then there’s the new identity I need to address. Woah, this is exciting…now, I shall embark on a journey, to rediscover myself!!! And then, I can tell the world … This is who I am, deal with it !!!

What counts?

It's been months since my last entry.... gosh! I have been thinking about what to write. So many things to write about and yet so few that are worth writing about. Lately I have been riding on an emotional roller-coster. One day I would be happy and ready to take on the world. And the very next day, I would fall into a deep depression that lasted for days.. usually about 2-3 days. Then I would be back again. So, on the average (yes, I have a thing for statistics).. I would have been happy for 2 days in a week and depressed for 6 days. Which means, on the average, I am only happy 25% of the time.

I tried to analyse myself. Why? Usually it would be something small that triggered me off. Then it would snowball into something bigger. And while I was at it, might as well dig out all the unhappiness of this lifetime... and there you have it. Titanic-sized ship of frustration sinking into the depths of depression.

Maybe that's why the movie was so successful.... somehow people could relate to all the hopes and dreams of so many people plunging into the deep sea....just like me, drowning under the weight of my own misery.

Time and again, I forget the lessons I've learnt from my meditation. Letting go. What has happened has already happened, so, let it go and stop whining about it! Stop burdening yourself with all those bad memories and past unhappiness. Throw the baggage away... I tried. But somehow, these things have a way of creeping back onto you when you are down. And to make things worse, they're like rats, breeding at high speed... new bad things keep happening. Then you tell yourself, Oh shit... who am I fooling? Does this make any sense to you guys?

Also, perhaps, I don't seem to get what I want. Then I told myself. I'd rather be happy with what I have than to be sad over what I can't get. Bullshit! Wake-up bro! Reminds me of the song, Desperado. `And it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you always want the things, that you can't have..Desperado why don't you come to your senses?'

I know I know.. some people will think... look at the beggar, look at the man with no legs... etc.... and feel lucky. Oh no, I don't want to do that. Not at the expense of the less fortunate anyway. I think... anyone in any situation, would be unhappy about something. Rich people worry about their business, status or kids. Poor people worry about money. Average people like me worry about everything else!

Thus, proving the theory about nothingness. When you have absolutely nothing at all, you have nothing to worry about, nothing to be sad over, nothing to lose and nothing to be afraid of. But most of us won't have the courage to do that... I mean, like, throw everything away to experience eternal bliss? That's a really really huge step...that's epic for me. That's why I have absolute respect and admiration for the Buddhist monks.

Last night, I watched a locally-made ghost movie with Tim.  It was a trying effort.  They wanted to tell a few stories at the same time and the movie became really choppy.  We had to keep track of it... it was mind-boggling!  Oh.. this is the uncle story.. oh, this is the stupid comedy part... oh, this is the screaming girl.  Anyway... to continue with my story, about letting go.  In that movie, they told two stories about old people losing their very handsome sons...hehe!  Yes, of course they had to be handsome, otherwise, it would hard to sympathise with the parents...hehe!

Seriously, it would have been harder for the parents, handsome or not.  I guess, sometimes, some things, are very hard to let go.  People whom we have loved for such a long time.  But how do we deal with it?  I guess it takes time for the wounds to heal but the pain and the longing remain.  That's the price we pay for loving someone dearly.  The only consolation we have is that, for as long as we shall live, they live in our hearts too!  And that's all the counts.......