What Really Drives You?

As I was sitting alone just now... thinking... gosh, another weekend gone...another boring weekend. I asked myself, `Why are you feeling so empty?' Maybe because I didn't get to meet anyone I like ? But, hello, there's more to life than trying week after week to meet your soulmate.

Oh really ? There's more ? Then it dawned on me that I have been so obssessed by it that I have forgotten about the rest of the world and all that has been happening in my life.... That's my problem....I am always too focussed on something and tend to ignore everything else... sometimes it's good, cos the best of ideas and the greatest of discoveries were spawned from such obssessions.

And usually when I can't get what I want, I will do whatever I can to get it. I have allowed this obssession to possess over me. Looking at the bigger picture, a lot of us do that. The priorities in our lives change as we grow older. As kids, play time, school holidays and celebrations are the main driving forces. Then in our teengage years, girlfriends and boyfriends and... for the nerds, A's. Then the celebrities.... Oh those were the days, when celebrities were like Gods.

When we start working, the ladder climb in the competitive corporate world begins. Then, the pursuit of cars, position, money and property. Then romantic encounters. Then marriage. Then another 20 to 30 years' worth of worrying about the kids. Then the health concerns and finally, death brings the ultimate peace of mind.

But I guess I got stucked at the romantic encounter part and never got any farther! Hahahah! Sadly, I can't escape the last 2 parts either. You may ask, What are you trying to say here ???

Okay.. back to my topic (hehehe!) What drives you? Your career ? Your love pursuits? Money? Property? Sex? Some will say.. `Everything!' It may be true to a certain extent but if you look at it carefully, what really really drives you ?

Yes, all of us are pursuing multiple goals all at the same time, but look deeper inside, what really really drives you? For some people, it's money. Everything they do, it all traces back to getting more money. Marry a rich girl, work harder, invest in properties.... the list goes on as long as they get more money.

And for some, it's about their attractiveness. Trust me, it's a powerful driving force, a multi-billion dollar business. Some people work hard to get more money so that they can buy nice shoes and designer clothes, do facials and workout at the gyms, take vitamins, supplements and so on and so forth.

For another group of people, it's about pride. More titles, more power, more money, bigger houses, fancy cars.... doesn't matter if they look shitty, as long as they get to brag about whatever they have.

Now I look at myself, and say, `OMG !!! You are so pathetic!' You don't even have a valid driving force ! You just let your life drift to wherever it takes you! And half the time you are drunk in your own fantasies of romance.... of meeting your soulmate and living happily ever after. That's all you've got to show? After all these years ???

Wow... what a wake-up call ! To wake up and realise that you are such a loser in life..... Desperate to make myself feel better, I rummaged through whatever I have achieved in my life, put them together and alas! It's not a mountain, not even a hill of achievements... just a mere heap of lost causes, strangled by lots of excuses.

I felt confused and vulnerable. The realisation that I have not done justice to myself... all the time, telling myself that, this is as good as it gets.... and even started to believe it. What am I going to do ???

Like a man drowning at sea, my mind scrambled to find something safe to hang on to. But it seemed like there's nothing substantial... all seemed so petty... every single goal I've had for myself sank under the weight of my desperate need for a trophy in my life. Nope, no trophies for me.

Hmmmm... is it too late to start over? Better late than never, I consoled myself. Now, let me see.... what should I choose to drive me? Money? Power? Looks? (Ooops! Too late for that! Ain't gonna happen!) Soulmate? (Again? You have not learnt your lesson? Go jump from the top of the twin towers if you choose that one again! Yes, any of the towers, they are of the same height!)

Maybe I need a bit more time to see what really really could drive me and make me happy. That's it !!! Happiness !!! Happiness should be my driving force! But where do I start ? Hmm... this is going to take a lot more time than I anticipated....

Well, in the mean time, what about you guys ? What really drives you ??? Do tell me.....

The Things People Do.... for a Pretty Face ???

Yes.... we all fall for it.... Pretty faces. I was chatting with an internet friend just now and she told me that she has a boyfriend. Somehow, the chat seemed weird cos she just stopped short after she told me he's outstation. Being in a busybody mood, I pressed on and she finally admitted that he has another girlfriend outstation. I was like, `Huh ??? And you are not jealous ? You still love him ?' She said, `Yes.... cos he's very handsome.'

I asked her again, `Ermmm..... anything to go with that?' She said, `No, he's handsome, that's all that matters' I couldn't believe what I was hearing! This is so unfair !!!! Good looking people can get away with anything !!!

I supposed it's a choice that we all have to make for ourselves... like the movie `To Wong Foo'..... `style or substance?' I remember telling my sister the night before her wedding, `You are so smart! What a good choice of a husband!' She beamed with happiness and asked,`Really ? You think I made the right choice ?'

I smiled and told her, `You chose a husband you are sure no one will steal from you!' At first, she look confused, then when it finally dawned on her what I meant, she jumped on me and screamed, `Wow! You are so mean!' I just laughed uncontrollably. True enough, they are still happily married until today with two lovely daughters.

Then there were cases where a friend who has a handsome boyfriend and barely months into engagement, came a third party. A third party who knew he was already engaged but went all out to get that guy, and got him.

I thought about all these things..... somehow, I personally think, it all boils down to moral values and family upbringing. The sense of righteousness and sentivity to other people's feelings seem to be seriously lacking these days.

It's all about survival of the fittest... and in the case, who's the prettiest. If I can steal your boyfriend from right under your nose, it means that I am prettier or better at sex or both. And that is the only value that is important to these people. Doesn't matter if it's the wrong thing to do, doesn't matter if it hurts other people, doesn't matter if it's breaking rules, doesn't even matter if I have to resort to black magic.... what matters is the I feel superior and more beautiful and more capable of getting the guys I want, that's all that matters. Of course, after she got him purring like a kitten under her arms... she dumped him for another guy!!! New and more challenging project!

And it's all happening around us..... rampantly. I personally know of so many cases... come to think of it, it's really scary! Newly-weds.... 6 months into the marriage, the wife gets pregnant and the husband gets a new girlfriend. I have personally witnessed so many cases in the past 1 year. And the best part is, the new girlfriends are fully aware that the guy is married and that his wife is pregnant!

The solution ? Well, sorry, no solutions for this predicament.... that's why my topic for this post.... Pretty faces or not ? What would you do for a pretty face ? Would you risk losing your handsome husband when you are pregnant ? Or lose your beautiful wife if you are not man enough (in terms of wealth, virility, looks, etc) ? Or would choose not to have a pretty face and go for substance instead ?

Someone might say, `Oh that's not fair.... having a handsome husband or a pretty wife doesn't mean you will lose them, not all good looking people are like that!' Yes, that is true... maybe not all good looking people are like that... but only problem is, many people want them, no matter what the cost!


What do you guys think ???? Again, back to my question, Pretty face or not ??? And what would you willingly sacrifice for having a pretty looking partner ???

Does True Love Exist ?

Someone asked me two weeks ago...`Do you really think you can find true love?' The first thing that came to my mind was, `Well, it's a remote possiblity, but hey, you'll never know... I might just get lucky and find my true love'. I didn't bother to answer that guy cos I think he was bordering on being nasty for the rest of message.

I just shrugged it off and told myself, `Huh, another bitter person disappointed in love, better not let him make me lose hope'. Somehow, at the back of my mind, it kept nagging me. How do we find our true love ? Out of the millions of people, out of the many many factors affecting our lives, how do we find our true love in this crazy mess ? It seems pretty hopeless. Maybe that guy is right, it's an impossible feat.

How come some people got so lucky ? How come some people found their true love and live together until `death do us part'? At that time... all seemed hopeless and I m getting older by the seconds! Less and less opportunity in an already hopeless situation... I was going to press the panic button.

Then I told myself...`Oh, never mind, if I can't find it then at the end of the day, I can tell myself, I tried but I didn't succeed' But that self-assurance didn't quite satisfy me and I am the type who won't rest until I get a satisfactory answer. But hey, who am I ? For hundreds of years so many people have been talking about the same thing and no one seems to know the answer. And I want a satisfactory answer in a matter of days ? Hmmm.... silly me! And really silly of me to allow such a question ruffle me up like that. So I decided to meditate to dissolve all the negative feelings.

I learnt that meditating helps us to calm down but more recently I realised , it also helps me to get the answers I was seeking. So, while meditating one night, came the `light'... hehehe! There it was, plain as day.... the answer I was searching!

True Love is not for us to find !!! Oh gosh !!! That's why so many of us who are looking for it can never find it.... oh my! We have been going at it all the wrong ways. We hope to find true love, all packaged and ready to eat.... just pop it into the microwave and you can have true love... much like our food these days. And no matter how hard we tried, we can never find it. Somehow Mr. Right or Miss Right never seem to arrive. Sometimes too late but mostly, almost never.


I realised true love, is something that needs to be nurtured by two persons. Something that has to grow from a relationship between two persons. And the best part is, it doesn't have to be Mr. or Miss Right. It's never there for you to find, but you can develop true love together with time and effort.

The ingredients ? The ups and downs, the fights and tender moments, the sacrifices and rewards, the patience and understanding, the communications and misunderstandings... all rolled into one.

After a while, something beautiful blossoms... that is true love. Love without terms and conditions, love without borders... love which you know will always stay with you forever. That is true love.

What seems to be the problem ?

Here I am.... in the middle of the night...alone. Still trying to figure out what I am feeling. Feeling a bit vulnerable... a bit sad yet hopeful...okay, okay... it's mostly, depression.

I thought things have been going fine for me. By the way, I joined a gym about 2 months ago. Gosh.. how time flies, it's almost 2 months and I am still struggling.... hahahaha! No, I don't want to get all positive and hopeful tonight... I want to bask in self-pity and depression.

I met someone recently and things looked bright and I felt happy, really happy....something I have not felt for a long long time. But alas.. as fate would have it, the happiness lasted only a few days. At first, I told myself... well, it just got started and I am an old fox with lots of experience, no worries, I will be over it in a matter of hours.

I went home and went about my things... and while preparing flowers for prayers and listening to some sentimental songs... I broke down. I surprised even myself! And it wasn't the `tears gently flowing' kinda crying. It was the `all hell-broke-lose kind of uncontrollable wailing!!!' I was heart-broken.

Funny thing is.... it felt good after that. I did it again before sleeping and again when I woke the next morning. Of course, I was punished with eyebags that could store 30kg of rice. Normally, my eyebags could only store 5-10kg... depending on how well I slept. Of course, they do get bigger as I age but this one took the cake.

Then I asked myself, `Hello... what's wrong with you ? Small thing like that and you cry like a baby ? Shame on you!' You are supposed to be a tough guy. I wasn't sure anymore. I gave it a long thought ... it was not so much of a relationship that didn't work. Because I asked myself, `If it could be reversed, would I want it back?' My answer was a clear, `No'

Then what was it ? Finally, I got the answer, it was more of... `how come nothing works?' I looked at myself ... at how hard I have tried at everything and at how many times I have failed. And at the countless times, I have convinced myself to pull myself together again, but only to face another wall that never fails to come crashing in on me.

I looked at myself like a third party and felt real pity and sympathy for myself. How much more could I take ? I felt really helpless at that time, I lost all zest. At that time, I told my imaginary enemies, `Okay, you guys win... do your worst and be done with it. I won't fight back.' Tears started flowing again. Yeay!! Another one bites the dust!

I prayed for guidance, for a way out of my rut. I didn't want to hear the `you are better off than many people' crap or things will be better soon. I have been telling myself that for far too many times whenever I needed to pull myself together, which is ever so often. I needed something new.

Sadly, so far, it's silence. No answers, no replies... no wise words from anyone. Maybe there's nothing new to say. I have come up with so many justifications for all times I have failed that this time, I have been cornered.

Nope. Not curses, not spiritual interferences, not bad people, not past-life bad karma, not carelessness on my part, not inefficiency, not I-am-not-good-enough, not I am not rich enough, not I am not good-looking enough, not I didn't try hard enough, not bad luck... not anything. Just plain `it just happened'.. by chance.

So, I will go about my daily routine.... and as usual, eventually, I will pick myself up again. And again, hoping that fate will be kinder to me....

Still, at the back of my mind, there's a nagging thought `What ? By chance ? So many times? And to the same person ??? Hmmmm....'

What do you guys think ?

What's in store for you ?

I was was checking through my mails and saw the comments posted by readers of this blog... and I must thank you guys for all the encouragement that you have given me. Well, come 2010, I asked myself, `Okay, what's next ?'

2009 was disastrous... as far as the business aspect of it is concerned. Of course, during these times, we start rationalising... and start hoping for a better this or a better that. Luckily for me, 2008 was quite profitable and I made the decision to save for the rainy day... and boy, did 2009 rain on me... I had all the free time in the world during that time, since, nothing was happening on the business front... but I decided to pursue my so-called, `Year of Improvements'.

Having said this, I do know many friends lost their jobs and were in some financial trouble.... hope you guys (if you are reading this) are better off this year!

Of course, temples and places of worship were very busy last year... heheh! The Chinese people have a saying, (directly translated), No problems, won't go to the 3 precious hall (for prayers). `Wu shrr pu terng san pao tien'.. something about an emperor who would only go the the temple to ask for celestial help when he was in trouble, otherwise he would forget about the deities.

Looking at that story, I realised that a lot of us can feel what the deities felt. Some friends are only friends when they need your help, don't you guys agree ? Some people come to you to be your friend and after they have borrowed what they want, they disappear, forever.

Does that happen to you guys ? Happens to me all the time.... hahahah! And I am such a sucker for sad tales... but don't get your hopes up... hehehe! I'm smarter now and broke....so you can kick and shake and push...and not a single cent is going to come out of me! I promise...Hahahhaha!

Now, let's talk about 2010. I know, it's already February... kinda late for resolutions, but hey, we still have 10 months left. I want to get Bob Harper's body... for a start. Ambitious but hey, nothing wrong with hoping! Been doing that all my life! Hahahaha!

Grrrrr..... working hard to compensate for all those years of binging..... stupid love handles and tummy won't go away !!!! I am trying a new diet system... for a start, I take breakfast! Small meals in-between. And no carbohydrates after 7 pm... that's kinda tough cos most Malaysians have their dinner at 7.00 pm or later. And usually, that's the main meal of the day.

Have been skipping meals for years and that didn't work, at all! Hahhahah! And one more thing, I decided that if I wanted to take this body thingie one step further, I needed help. So, I joined a gym a few days ago. Wow, so many equipment and machines that can work out every muscle in your body! That's so cool! Gone will be the days I struggled with my make-do stuff at home! Yes, I fell of my plastic stools a couple of times... so dangerous!

Then, there's this $$$ issue that I have to look into... this year seems a little brighter. Last year, at this time, there was nothing in sight. No bookings, no quotations ... not even an enquiry! By the way, I am in the event management line. The first business to suffer in any recession or disaster or disease outbreak... ermm like last year !!! At least there are some bookings this year...phew! No need to dig further into my already quite empty pocket.

So,it looks like 2010 is going to be challenging year for me, what about yours ???